The Kid From Yesterday

In 2014, Gerard Way released his nostalgic, alt-rock, throwback solo album, and it is terrific.

Here is a backhanded compliment: the first time I heard "Millions," the fifth song on Gerard Way's debut solo album Hesitant Alien, I thought it was a rip-off.

I thought this because Way, the former lead singer and songwriter for My Chemical Romance, has infused the song's 3:28 runtime with an unmistakably Britpop tone, where the drums provide a basic, stomp-your-foot back beat, and the guitar plays a neat lick before fuzz-layered, distorted vocals finally enter. Even if you are only marginally acquainted with Britpop, you might think you've heard something like it in an Oasis or Blur song. You probably have. 

Released in September, Hesitant Alien is Way's first musical endeavor since he posted the breakup letter for his old band in March 2013. The breakup wasn't predicated by internal strife or scandal, and although Way never made it entirely clear why he ended the band, he told his fans "when it's time, we stop." It seemed for Way that ending MCR was always inevitable, but something that would happen naturally. He pointed no figures in his essay, reassuring fans, "this was no one’s fault, and it had been quietly in the works, whether we knew it or not." I think Way always knew it, even if the other members of the band never did. MCR really was Way's musical vehicle, and if the vehicle was running on fumes, Way would be the first to call it quits. 

Towards the end of his essay, Way provides an anecdote about his desire to start a band back in 2001. Sitting in his parent's basement, he picked up his old 90's Stratocaster and started playing the chords to the first MCR song he would write, "Skylines and Turnstiles." Thinking about that guitar now, Way writes: "He has a voice, and I would like to hear what it has to say."

What it has to say, it seems, is Hesitant Alien, the stripped-down, restrained, nostalgic-as-hell, yet very satisfying first release from his solo career.  

In the buildup to the release of Hesitant Alien, Way often referenced his desire to return to the music he listened to in his youth, before he formed My Chemical Romance. Most notably, he waxed poetic about his old Britpop records and his desire to make those types of songs again. Never mind the fact that his audience, his old MCRmy, probably never listened to Britpop and neither have today’s teenagers. But listen to “Millions” or “No Shows,” the album’s first two singles, and it sounds like Way’s imitation-as-inspiration technique worked: both songs make you bob your head and jump, without asking you to start a mosh pit or scream until you are blue in the mouth. Catchy, but not stadium-sized, which seems pretty important to Way this time around. He's lowered the stakes without lowering the quality of his songwriting. 

Way called “No Shows” the most important song on the album. Above all the others, this song is Way showcasing his new artistic direction. It does not have the manic pace of MCR's singles, and he incorporates horns into the song's instrumentation, showing his willingness to experiment. His confidence has not drained - after all, he had enough bravado to promote his solo album as a goddamn Britpop homage - but he’s reeled it in, from both the theatrical The Black Parade and the underrated, but still explosive Danger Days, MCR’s final studio album.

Let’s talk about that final album for a quick minute. Danger Days saw the band moving away from the need for a complete “narrative.” The Black Parade had cancer patients and skeleton costumes, and all the rigmarole was a means of connecting with MCR’s fans and making the album and band feel larger than life. Danger Days doesn't abandon the idea of narrative, but it's not all encompassing. Sure, the album was loosely built around a group of characters, the Killjoys, but two of them “die” by the middle of the album. Poof. Gone, without consequence. And the songs we get on that album were unlike anything the band had made before. “Planetary (GO!)” is the band’s addicting take on dance-rock, “Sing” was, as you can guess, a sing-along anthem, but it traded speed for a crushing mid-tempo rhythm section. “Vampire Money” is fast and punky and not that far removed from the band’s earlier material except it is not even the least bit dark. In fact, it's tongue-in-cheek and fun. Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge didn't let you come up for air for 40 minutes. On Danger Days you can breath a little, and also hear the joy Way and the rest of the band felt when recording these songs. You can hear it on Hesitant Alien, too.  

Why am I bringing up Danger Days other than to say I really, really like it? Well, if you are trying to find inspiration for Hesitant Alien in Way’s old band, you won’t get very far, except maybe you can you quitter, look with more than your eyes for God’s sake. If you've never heard “S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W” or “Summertime,” start there. Neither song sounds like typical MCR. Certainly not “S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W,” with it’s walking pace and arena rock solo. And “Summertime” just sounds… happy. This is not to say that Dangers Day was devoid of over the top moments - it goes over the top, it goes over the top quite often - but the album is also notable for the moments of restraint coming from a band that seemingly had none. Danger Days was MCR's last studio album release, but they did put out a series of double A-sides that form Conventional Weapons, a compilation album made up of material that didn't make it onto that final album. It's all very Detroit garage-rock. Between the two releases, you can hear the band moving away from the pomp and circumstance of The Black Parade. Lyrically and musically (and promotionally), the band trade darkness for light, and Hesitant Alien completes the transition.

Way’s recent releases are, in his own words, heavily influenced by older music. For The Black Parade and Danger Days it was small parts 70’s psychedelia and large parts 80’s glam rock; Hesitant Alien references not only Britpop, but dips its toe in the waters of other 90s heavyweights. “Zero Zero” is Way practically writing his way onto The Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, what with its repeated chorus and sludgy bassline. “Juarez,” too, sounds like something Billy Corgan might have written before he kicked everyone out of his solo project band and somehow became even more delusional than anyone ever thought he could be.

The lyrics are reminiscent of other 90's acts. We'll use Blur and Pulp for this example, because of how well Way conveys the same mundaneness of everyday life those bands wrote about. Lines like “It’s not your disappointed sigh / It’s not you traded this for pride / Not that we really even mind / We’re just bored you’re still alive” in “How It’s Going to Be” or “Remember when you and I would make things up? / So many nights, just take me down to the place we would hear them play / I miss that sound” in “Brother” don’t depict very complicated lives, they depict everyday problems in the lives of everyday people. The grandiose themes from the MCR oeuvre these are not. Instead, Way’s songs might be about people making mistakes, being bored, or missing the simpler times. For an American, Way sure can make his problems sound British.

Way doesn't go for "BIG MOMENTS" here like MCR did. It seemed like everything his former band did had to be some sort of emotional catharsis or climax. They created emotion via massive sounding compositions, sometimes forgoing lyrics in favor of pummeling you with guitar and drums. When the music wasn't saying anything specific, it wanted you to feel something. And if you didn't feel the music, you sure as hell could hear it. Loud, and proud, MCR swung for the fences; they pulled out the driver on the long, dog-leg Par 5 with narrow fairways, in gale force winds and pouring rain, and they damn near always pulled it off. Maybe Way thought he'd gotten lucky one too many times, or, more likely, he glimpsed the other side, a calmer side, and went for something less bombastic. 

I like to believe that Way is still capable of conjuring huge, sweeping, affecting moments in his songs, and that for Hesitant Alien he simply chose not to. This is not a criticism. Times passes, musical direction change. Ten years is a long time to be in a band. . Heck, ten years is a long time to do anything when you think about it. The beginning and end can look like a completely disparate thing, but sometimes it is nice to look back to remember how things were.

Which brings me to “The Kids from Yesterday,” my favorite MCR song, and one that should be read as an early farewell from the band to their fans. The song is all nostalgia, its message about reflecting on past times of youth while simultaneously acknowledging how you've grown up and moved on. When Way sings, “Well this could be the last of all the rides we take / So hold on tight and don’t look back,” he's referring to his own band, and how their time is coming to an end. It is pretty damn tough to hear those lyrics now and not think we should have seen the band's split coming. Way founded MCR in 2001, shortly after watching the World Trade Center collapse. The band helped him find a direction in his life that was previously lacking. Twelve years later, he didn't need the band, he'd found his direction. "The Kids from Yesterday" was Way's meta moment, his admittance that he was no longer the same kid who founded the band a decade prior. He had taken his ride. His time was up. 

The lyrics of "The Kids from Yesterday" have been on my mind a lot since graduation, especially before I moved from Boston to DC. I thought about how one chapter of my life had come to an end, not by choice but out of necessity: graduation is a celebration of completion, and completion in this case means that it is time to take the next step. The problem is, you don't know if your next step will hold your weight, or give out from under you like the fake stones of MXC's Sinkers and Floaters. But you have to take that step regardless. 

All of this makes Way’s proving of his old self wrong perhaps the best part of Hesitant Alien, and makes it one of my favorite albums of 2014. Way decided that MCR was not the last ride he would take. He has decided to have another go at making music, but not by repeating what he had done before. This time, instead of choosing the wildest ride, he’s opted one that’s more restrained yet still undeniably fun. And it's been successful, and he seems happy doing it. May he ride it over and over. May I join him soon. 

Jive Turkey Dictionary A.E. (Alcohol Edition)

A couple months ago I rolled out my Jive Turkey Dictionary and the response was… animated. While many Turks were happy to see some of their favorite sayings get the full Merriam-Webster treatment, others accused me of committing an unforgivable life error for omitting such-and-such term or *insert legendary party here*. In other words, my list was wrong. One day I will make full restitution of my mistakes, but today is not that day. 

In place of an apology, I give you this dictionary consisting of terms pertaining to Jive’s real pastime: drinking. What follows is an also-incorrect list of alcohols, parties, and games that have been part of Jive’s social culture over the last decade or so. Because I thought it would be fun to give these some historical context, I recruited the help of Shaman, concave-chested archaeologist extraordinaire; Moonshine, Teaching God; and Grefe. It took a couple months, four states, and two countries (yes, Alabama is a different country), but we did it. If you think we missed anything special (spoiler: we definitely missed things), leave us a comment. 

So grab a beer or twelve, review the first installment here if you need to, and let’s get started. 

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Admiral Nelson (n.) – Memory “strengthening” spiced rum that is better than Captain Morgan because it is cheaper, and because an Admiral outranks a Captain, but idiots think otherwise. A must-buy when the 1L bottles are on sale. Buy 2 and get more rum for less money than if you bought the handle. #Math

A chap well acquainted with the Admiral

Classic Ice (n.) – A wonderful and classy beer with a sterling 6% APV and its own Urban Dictionary entry. Better than Natty Ice, and one of the first true Jive beers, setting off a still standing tradition of favorite team beers and liquors being cheaper than the mainstream alternative, of higher alcoholic content, and questionable taste. Back in 2004, a case of Classic came in at a robust $8.50.

The Cylinder (n.) – or scientifically, a Passglas. Seriously, that is a word. A 2000ml graduated cylinder theoretically used for drinking out of, but actually used for spilling beer on yourself. Now a Jive totem courtesy of Jacko Tracko’s brief but fruitful time as the guy in the lab who buys supplies, specifically supplies that real scientists won’t use but Jive scientists will. While meant for beer, the cylinder has also seen a variety of other items, including liquor, silverware, and even a sex toy or two.

Detonator (n.) – Performed when Broey McBroerson and his fellows Bros stand in a circle and smash a beer can against their heads until it exBrodes. An easy way to reduce your own intellect and waste beer at the same time. Nips told Simon what this was on my birthday four years ago, and the world is a lesser place for it.

A lesser place...

Double-Barrel (v.) – Shotgunning a beer whilst someone pours a shot in the top of the can. Useful for expediting the getting-drunk process, and also the needing-to-boot process. Invented by Moonshine and, like all good things in life, was first performed on the line at Gettysburg’s home tournament during some hard-fought point-assessment against Slippery Rock University.

Extra Gold (n.) – Cheap beer that you can purchase at “the Bev.” Winner of the most recent Cheap Beer Tasting, meaning Jive must buy Extra Gold in perpetuity or until a new Cheap Beer has been declared winner by means of blind taste test. Has been popular with the team since the halcyon days of Vinny McCrink, so you know it’s got staying power.

Firewater (n.) – 100 proof cinnamon schnapps commonly associated with High Tide due to the epic ballad “Jive Turkeys Went Down South” created there in 2008. That song is still sung by the team on occasion, despite the fact that very few of the people singing it know Dan Jones, his rattail, The Suze, or where the Firewater is.

They know where the Firewater is.

Fifth Day (n.) – A drinking event for the dedicated man. Meant to be a relaxing day where one spends much of the day drinking a fifth by themselves. Always a great time unless you race to finish, like a moron, and thus tempt death. Consequences can include pants in the freezer, cups of coffee thrown at walls, and porcelain hugging.

Five Loko (n.) – Basic bitch Four Loko and Five Hour energy mixed drink for people who don’t care about seeing straight for an entire day.

Fuck Your Liver (n.) - A tremendously simple game requiring The Cylinder, a deck of cards, and lots of beverage. The player wagers an amount of beverage in the cylinder, then guesses red or black. Incorrect: he/she/it drinks the cylinder. Correct: the cylinder and it’s contents are passed to the next person who will also add a wager and then play the most dangerous game. Often results in strange mixes of drinks, and extreme discomfort for anyone who loses big. So named because it fucks your liver.

Hungarian Stack Races (n.) – A terrible version of Stack Races because of a torturous twist, designed by actual Hungarian Ultimate Players and brought back by Chappers when he studied abroad in Budapest (seriously. We aren’t making this up). All players must drink through a straw while clothespinning their noses until the disc is finished, which it won’t be. Usually this ends with everyone feeling very unwell (at Jivefest ‘07, someone threw up every round. Hooray beer!). Hungarian stack races are proof that at least one member of this team learned something during Dickinson study abroad, and that sometimes what we learn abroad should stay over there.

Icehouse (n.) – Not the Bentley ultimate team (fuck Bentley B!), but a relatively new Jive cheap beer, made popular by the tenants of The Lodge. First purchased en masse at High Tide 2010 with Jake’s Savannah fee, the 10+ cases of various Icehouse products were unable to be finished, but were fortunately ready for pong immediately upon completing the drive home. There are three reasons to buy Icehouse: 1). It’s $12.99, cheaper than Natty, 2). its 5.5% abv, higher than Natty’s, 3). to yell “Get in the House” at freshman who are not immediately willing to guzzle delicious Icehouse. 

Reason number 4: This band photo of Australian rock band Icehouse

Jello Discs (n.) – a team-based, alcohol eating station and the result of great compromise between wanting to do stack races or jello shots, but not both. The recipe calls for hot water, jello mix, and bottom shelf vodka, hopefully Vlad or Bankers Club. Co-created by Vincenzo, jello discs are a Jive original that has spread to other frisbee cultures, such as Vassar and PADA.


Jive Tail (n.) – Originally a spoof of Greek life cocktails, and now a biannual Jive formal hosted by the sophomores in the fall and the freshmen in the spring. Attendees are strongly encouraged to bring a date or two, be this a significant other, friend, or a bottle of bourbon. Salval "classy" attire is a must, and those showing up with a backpack trying to steal the booze will be kick out of the party and probably kicked off the team. Seniors will be aggressively drunk celebrating the two parties all year they didn't have to plan or spend money on.

I don't have a witty remark for this. It's just terrifying.

Landshark (v.) – Most definitely not a beer, but feel to contact Ducky, Jake, Bowman, Simon or Mittens about it. If you can’t find Mittens to ask him, check outside the gate at High Tide. Moving on.

Might be a Landshark. Might not.

Loko Hands (n.) – A one-off drinking contest in which the participants tape two OG Four Lokos to their hands and race to finish them first, ideally in 29 minutes or less. When all Four Lokos are finished, participants must celebrate by splitting a final Four Loko. Now seems a reasonable time to clarify that the real world equivalent to one Four Loko was 6 coffees and 6 drinks. Typically leads to lost moccasins and random bouts of responsibility.

Mad Dog (n.) – MD 20/20 fortified hobo wine. Colloquially known as Mad Dog, because “Fortified hobo wine” has a pretentious ring to it, despite appealing to hobos. Most commonly purchased in the Orange Jubilee flavor, which looks eerily similar to Orange Juice, and probably tastes similar too. “Hindsight is MD 20/20” - Posey.

Posey not demonstrating foresight, or hindsight, for that matter

Montebello (n.) – All the liquor you’ve never liked drinking without a chaser, except now you combine them and also drink them without a chaser. First discovered at Lafayette, Fall 2011™, by Jack to be shared with the team over the course of Sunday. GOALIE PICK UP THE GODDAMN MONTE!

Mystery/Party Box (n.) – An H.T.O.D. staple, generally considered the best station by all four people who care about that sort of accolade, who coincidentally all authored this post. The contents of the Party Box can vary, but always includes laughably bad alcohol balanced out with delicious non-alcoholic items such as hot peppers or Yoohoo. Or cigarettes. The key to winning is to give the Lucky No. 7-11 to someone else, or to find weird cases at Bev Express while creating the station, like a buried case of WildCat, hidden and unlabeled under other beers.

Punch Bowl (n.) – A brutal innovation by the ever-sustainable-minded members of the original Chateau. In the morning post-soiree, gather all the woundeds and pour them into a bowl to chill or partially freeze for the next party. Most famously led to Grefe’s alcohol/food poisoning and general demise Fall ‘07, but generally responsible for ruining everyone’s night every time.

He hasn't been the same since

Shen Fest (n.) – Now a smaller scale HTOD dedicated in memory to Shen, but originally conceived as a surprise Around the World party in 2008. Given a gritty reboot in 2011 as a trial run for the HTOD planner, but has since exceeded these modest expectations to attract a dedicated and maniacal fanboy following.

Trailer Park Bombs (n.) – The drunk uncle of bomb shots. Like an Irish Car bomb, except instead of nice Car Bomb materials you use Hurricane and Mad Dog, and instead of enjoying the drink you look and smell like a derelict wino.

Unprom (n.) – Costume party developed by SBC in which the attendees are assigned to shop for another person’s outfit, all while agreeing to wear what someone else buys for you. Hilarity ensues and wedding dresses abound. If you are a bad sport about the XS Gumbi costume that someone buys for you, you should probably find new friends.

Jive's first Unprom, 2010. No SBC, we don't understand either.

Wagers (n.) – Most frequently a card based party game, involving bets on the upcoming cards and corresponding silly tasks, but wagers can be made on anything. Will Jake answer the phone with “Oyyyyy,” “Oy it’s Gutta,” or the field is a quintessential starter. Tasks should be proportionally outrageous compared to the unlikelihood of the predicted card or event. Ex: 1. If this next card is the ace of spades, I’ll wolf a beer. Ex: 2. If Posey flies back from Japan for High Tide, I’ll do a fifth day.

Wednesday (n.) – The fourth day of the week, the day of Wōden, and the most popular weekday drinking night for Jive Turkeys since the invention of Jesus. To be said primarily with elongation of all vowels: “WEEEEEEEEEDNEEEEEEEEESDAAAAAAAAAAY” and most suitably followed by muttering “Goddammit” while facepalming yourself.

Wolf (v.) – Created by Shen when he disregarded sanity to bite the beer can because he had no key to shotgun with. The wolf is the closest to primordial beverage consumption that you will get.

(Re)Marx: Commodity Fetishism and Foreign Policy

Born out of the alcoholic fever dreams of a post graduate existential ennui, The Fish considers what it means to find a stranger in the alps. Brought to you by Pedialyte and Beef Jerkey, the breakfast of champions. 

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The collected writings of Karl Marx form the basis on which his intellectual heirs have erected a complex and all-pervading analytical didactic. Marxism as a didactic explains foreign policy through the lens of history, with the economic stage of history in which the world finds itself at a particular time determining the way that nation-states interact with one another. This didactic is not always useful for analysis of international relations as its rigidity prevents its adaptation for changing circumstances – as long as the analyst can determine the correct stage of history for the situation, the predicted foreign policy outcome is largely a foregone conclusion. Despite the rigidity of Marxist didactic when applied to foreign policy, certain of Marx’s concepts do lend themselves to operationalization as methods of foreign policy analysis. By focusing more on the intellectual mechanisms of Marx’s analysis, what were previously purely tools of economic analysis can be stripped down and adapted to foreign policy analysis.

One of these intellectual mechanisms is the concept of commodity fetishism, described in volume one of Das Kapital. Marx posits that as capitalist society develops, human social interaction becomes increasingly distorted and eventually disappears altogether. The reason for this disappearance is because in a fully capitalist society, people are no longer people, but rather an expression of commodities, defined by the value and interaction of the items they produce.  Marx explains that rather than flowing directly from person to person, capitalist social interactions must flow through a commodity. This flow, rendered in abbreviation for simplicity, reads

P – C – P

The commodity which interrupts the P – P interaction is the fetish;[1] an inanimate object imbued with intrinsic value by the participants in that interaction. The fetish itself may have no intrinsic value, yet once value is imbued by the participants it serves to shape and define their interaction. Marx uses the example of crafting a table out of wood; after the carpenter finishes his work, the wood of the table remains wood, unchanged in its basic form. However, the table itself is now a commodity, given an extra dose of worth out of belief alone.[2] It is this idea of belief, as expressed by Charles de Brosses[3] and discussed by Auguste Comte[4] that introduces the element of illogical reasoning into the interaction between the two persons in the equation above. The basic analytical mechanism behind the theory of commodity fetishism is that something comes between the two actors in the equation which distorts what would otherwise be the logical outcome – the commodity.

To take this basic analytical mechanism and recreate it as a foreign-policy focused analytical mechanism requires a re-definition of terms that nonetheless retains the same purpose as Marx’s theory. Instead of a person, replace P with A - for Actor; a term denoting any participant in foreign policy from the individual through the nation-state to the multilateral organization. For the purposes of this paper, the focus will largely be on nation-state and multilateral actors. Instead of the commodity C, substitute the underlying concept of the fetish as an object or idea imbued with intrinsic value by the participants in the equation. Thus, the equation that was expressed by Marx as P – C – P is now written

A – F – A

Like Marx’s commodities, the foreign policy fetishes serve to distort what should be the logical interaction of the constituent actors. Major theories of international relations predicate their predictive powers upon the notion that the participants in the international system are by and large logical; the fetish helps explain why they are anything but.

So what exactly is the fetish, and how does it serve to frame or distort what should theoretically be a logical interaction between actors in the international system? In the equation A – F – A the fetish is unlikely to be a physical commodity, as Marx asserts with his mechanism P – C – P. The fetish is rather an idea or set of imperatives against which an actor assesses foreign policy decisions which can lead to an otherwise illogical decision.  The predictive and analytical power of A – F – A lies in assessing what a particular actor’s fetish is at any given time, then assessing a past or prospective decision against it. By being aware of what a particular actor’s fetish is, an observer is able to adapt their analysis so that they are able to predict the illogical outcome of the interaction – the logical outcome in light of belief in a fetish. This formula does not apply to all actors in all situations, but rather serves best when used in conjunction with established concepts of foreign policy analysis to reduce blind spots.

If I'm wrong, prove it. 

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[1] Karl Marx, Capital, Volume One, trans. Ben Fowkes (London: Pelican Classics, 1976): 163-177.

[2] Ibid. 163-4.

[3] Charles de Brosses, Du culte des dieux fétiches, ou Parallèle de l'ancienne religion de l'Egypte avec la religion actuelle de Nigritie (Paris, 1760)

[4] Harriet Martineau, The Positive Philosophy of Auguste Comte, vol. III (London: George Bell & Sons, 1896): 12. http://socserv.mcmaster.ca/econ/ugcm/3ll3/comte/Philosophy3.pdf

Haverween 2014: Victory of the Highest Order!

Pictured (left to right) first row: Salad, Big Mo, Emery, Dane, Kilburn, TV, Moller, Jaldin, Dan Day, Ian Hill, Goemaat, Coach Simon. Second row: Lev, Simon, Mike, Sam, Trevor, Fabio, Milstein, Cam.
Photo credit the venerable Dave Emery

Haverween: The Build Up 

For the fourth year in a row, the Jive Turkeys awoke far too early on Saturday morning, in a boozy stupor, to drive to Haverford College for Haverween. I, in my ongoing quest to stay on the team for the rest of forever despite having graduated last May, came along for the ride.

Before Saturday’s drive, we had an important milestone to celebrate on campus: Trevor’s 21^st birthday! And celebrate it we did, with a party at Goemaat’s House followed by a rather bizarre excursion to Alibi’s, a place I’ve been to more times during the day than the night. The typical 21^st birthday tomfoolery took place, but the next morning we were treated to a few surprises, namely that Trevor, our trusty captain and Regent of Responsibility, was not at the cushies. Nor did he show up when it was time to leave, so, against our best wishes, we headed for the interstate. Well, all of us except for Moller, who needed to have his car jumped by none other than yours truly. Forces were conspiring against the Turks to make for a potentially painful morning. Thankfully, Trevor was found and joined Moller’s car, but not in time for the start of games. Congrats Trevor, by sleeping through a tourney wake up you’ve become a true Jive Turkey. One of us! One of us!

Saturday

Because I view highway speed limits as “Optional,” the car of myself, Kellen, and Fabio made it to the fields with plenty of time to spare, but not plenty of players. No one else showed up for half an hour. And the tournament had been reformatted, meaning we had 5 games in one day. Again, some higher power was punishing us for Friday night. These games, however, were against largely inept opposition, including Drexel B, Haverford B, Villanova (secretly their B team), Fordham (secretly terrible), and Philly U (not secretly terrible).

Drexel B proved a decent first game, as we were able to build a comfortable lead and get the freshmen some early playing time. We took half at 7-2 with a combination of good defense and better upside down throws. By now, Trevor and co. had finally showed up, and while most of the car rushed to cleat up, Captain Greasetrucks seemed “happier” to hang out on the sidelines for a bit. Why did I put happier in airquotes? I’ll explain. Rumor has it that Trev muttered something about not feeling entirely coordinated, like some invisible force was inhibiting his ultimate abilities. That, my friends, might have been a hangover, and step one in trying to understand why Jive often plays like cow dung the morning after a party.

The second game was against Philly U. Philly U pretty much never shows up to these fall tournaments with a team of current players, bringing many alums instead. Well, not on this day.  Dressed as Risky Business, they had a lot of new players and it showed: 13-0 win for Jive. Bagels for everyone! Let’s not talk about this game in any actually detail, for calling it a game of ultimate would be misleading and untrue.

#Blessed

Round three pitted Jive against Villanova, a team that beat us last year at Haverween, but lost to the good people of Carlisle a couple weeks ago at West Chester. I remember them being a young with fundamentally sound handlers, but this weekend they were young without fundamentally sound handlers, so we won 12-5. They sat most of their A-line guys, and through some excellent interviewing, your author found out that Nova didn’t “have enough money” to send both an A and a B-team to the tourney because they are attending Easterns next weekend. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for them.

The Haverford B and Fordham games proved no more competitive than the previous three. We felled Haverford B 13-3 and played Pick Six rules against Fordham. I believe Kilburn rattled off three in a row, to which Fordham started growing upset with our shenanigans. No matter, we beat them too. A 13-3 victory meant the Jive men finished 5-0 on the day, and the Lady Turks won all four of their games, too. Can’t hate on a combined 9-0. 

We knew that Sunday’s competition would be much tougher, but until then, we were intent on celebrated our successes with Busch Hunting, deep haus, a fog machine, and, because of the previous three things, a noise complaint and visit from the cops. Classic JF Turks Saturday night, this is why we cannot have nice things.

Sunday

Finally time for some real ultimate! Saturday was fun but mostly devoid of any arduous challenge. Sunday, on the other hand, was bracket play, and with a potential rematch with Haverford on the line, we needed to get to work.

St. Joseph’s was our quarterfinals matchup, the team that won Haverween last year. Our offensive movement was dominant from the beginning, and we showed a good ability to transition from horizontal to vertical stack, and vice versa, on the fly, something we were not forced to do on Saturday. We took half at 8-3, and cruised from there, wrapping up the game 15-8. Of note, my terrible, horrible, miserable hammer to Trevor on the last point. Mental note: lofty hammers into triple coverage do not work.

For the semis, we faced the Haverford Alumni. As we were playing the alums, Haverford A faced Gettysburg, and Gburg jumped out to a surprising 4-1 lead that would not at all last while we started off trading points. After 3-3, however, we started clicking, and energy and speed helped us win our matchups on offense and get turnovers on defense. We took half by a score of 8-5 and finished strong 15-9. We had a much bigger sideline than the alums, and the gulf in numbers no doubt helped us, and an early finish allowed us to catch the end of Haverford’s win against Gburg. We had our rematch, our final.

You'd be guilty of massive understatement for merely saying both teams came ready to play. Last year, we lost on universe point to the Donkeys in what was a hard fought, wind-affected game. Jive wanted revenge, and Haverford wanted to win Haverween for the first time. As it were, these points were long and tiring, but Jive jumped out to a 3-1 lead before calling time out to recover a bit. We responded exactly how we wanted out of the break, with three more points, forcing Haverford into regrouping with a time out of their own. Following the second pause, Jive entered half with an 8-2 lead that was much more strenuous than the score line would suggest. The second half continued with the same strong offense and consistent defensive pressure, but Haverford put a few more on the board. At 14-8, Trevor found Kilburn in the end zone with a hammer, giving us a nice story arc and our 15^th point. For the second time in three years, Jive had won Haverween, finishing 8-0 in the process with a goal difference of +68. 

Pictured: arcs

Epilogue

As I mentioned at the start, I had the misfortune of graduating in May, meaning my time as a Jive Turkey came to a close last spring. Except not really. It strikes me as a testament to the bonds of the members of this team and how those relationships transcend silly things like age gaps and Years of Graduation, that alums (myself included) ask to play at fall tournaments. We alumni no longer have the convenience of practicing four times a week to stay in shape, and we certainly do not know the new freshmen, but still we want to recapture a few moments of our time with this team. So we sign up for tournaments to get a chance to spend a weekend with friends that we no longer see on a daily basis. And for a couple days, we share memories of our college days and reflect on past tournaments, and make new memories by playing the sport that brought us all together in the first place. For this pleasure I have no single person to thank, rather the many people who make up the Jive Turkeys.

So great Haverween everyone. I can’t yet say if we will do it again next year, but we did it this year, and that is good enough. 

Select Highlights

-the extended cameo from Rock Hands

-Salad getting pulled over by Haverford campus police for pushing Dane around in a wheelbarrow.

-Jaldin’s layout Ds and subsequent injuries

-Mike sleeping in the bathroom.

-trapping Dan Day inside the auxiliary blanket and carrying him into the middle of the fields.

-Max Charles skying Trevor. Video is here

-Deep Haus party

-INCREASE THE FOG! THE FOG OF WAR!!!

-Birthday present tournament wins.

-“Halftime” Hans Zimmer, the greatest sideline music ever.
-Except for this Interstellar trailer song, the new greatest sideline music ever. Did somebody say Nolan?!?!

What I'm Listening To

I love music. I love the first listen of an album, I love listening to the radio in the car, I love music as background noise. The point of all this is that I listen to music all the time, and while I try to vary the genres, I end up getting caught on a particular song, style, or album for a week or a month at a time. This can be new, just-released tunes or it might be an old album I forgot I had, or an artist I downloaded but never explored.

So I've decided to share a couple of the things I've been overplaying recently. The point of this post is not to pretentiously recommend the new underground band or harp on how great old albums like Meteora were. Hopefully someone will be inspired to look up an artist they'd forgotten about, or check out a song they'd never heard before. 

Just beware, I have a strong and unrelenting love for trashy pop, the 90's, Juicy J, and Celtic music.

I'm going to try to make this a decently regular thing, and I encourage all those with access to the blog to do the same. Or any guests who want in...(?) Yay, blog!


Life's A Bitch - Nas (ft. AZ)

Obviously not a new song, but one I've listened to on the metro for what seems like every day of the past 2 weeks. I'd read a couple reviews of the new documentary "Nas: Time is Illmatic," which chronicles the genesis of and inspiration for Nas' seminal album Illmatic. Spoiler: the Queensbridge projects don't look like a great place to be. Anyhow, this inspired me to give the album a full re-listen, and man, I never gave AZ's verse the respect it deserved. What a great fucking song. Visualizin the realism of life in actuality 

Anna Sun - Walk the Moon

Ok, this is sort of a cheat, I've been listening to this album since it came out, but I still enjoy this song whenever it comes up on shuffle. Definitely a guilty pleasure song, but Walk the Moon has a handful of those for me, including Jenny and Next in Line, so maybe I like them more than I'll admit. Have a listen.   

God's Whisper - Raury

Credit for this discovery goes to Rembert Browne of Grantland.com and I give him much thanks. I'm not blown away by the other stuff I've heard from Raury, but he certainly has a different sound. Much respect for not having a Wikipedia page, and all I can say that I know about him is that he's 18, from Atlanta, and apparently Outkast and Kanye dig his stuff. I've been playing this banger non-stop around the apartment, much to the chagrin of Allie, who says it's "too much chanting and yelling." Well poo on her. Here's the video. 


Cover Me Up - Jason Isbell

Jason Isbell's first solo album Southeastern is one of the best complete albums I've ever heard and I fully recommend it. Separating himself from the brasher, louder style of music he played when with the Drive-By Truckers, Isbell has made an emotional, wonderful album highlighted by this love song. After a long battle with raging alcoholism (shoutout to Pedialyte), he presents a more soulful, grounded sound with only hints of the old twang of Southern rock. I could have easily picked Songs That She Sang in the Shower or the fantastic Live Oak. Track.


***Flawless (Remix) - Beyonce (ft. Nicki Minaj)

Seriously, who doesn't like this song? I'll give anything Nicki Minaj does a shot, and she and B absolutely kill this song, their first-ever recording together. Did you catch the horn sample from SpottieOttieDopaliscious? Did Jay-Z put the elevator line in? When will these two do an album together? If I had daughters, this is the kind of pop I'd want them to listen to: confident, badass women talking shit. Sorry Biebs. The Queen of Rap slaying with Queen B, indeed.


Hey Jude - Wilson Pickett (ft. Duane Allman)

This is one to turn up. Recorded when Duane Allman was just the session guitarist at the to-be-legendary Muscle Shoals studio, this Beatles cover rocks out. Pickett puts a whole lot of soul into this version, and he cuts loose as the horns and Duane's guitar crescendo. It's hard to take a classic like Hey Jude and make it even more likeable, and I would definitely say that I prefer this version to the original.

Jive Turkey Dictionary

Summer is essentially over. For some, this is actually a revelation because they get to return to college to return to their education, engage the world, and funnel Five Loko. But wait, “what is Five Loko?” you ask with a disconcerting level of intrigue. It appears the long summer break has caused you to forget about the significant mementos of the Jive Turkeys, players of Ultimate and winners of parties. That’s why I’m here: to give you a refresher on the daily lexicon you will be thrust back into with the Turkeys. Remember the scene in Airplane! when the passengers speak Jive? This is like that. Except it isn’t.

Footnotes are courtesy of Jive Historian extraordinaire Willie Limber Shaman Shermies Sherman.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Bev Express (n.) – or simply, “the Bev.” Whether you need cases of Natty[1] for a Best-of-Seven or the newest case of Count Chocula’s Forbidden Donut Porter, buy it at the Bev, not the Brew Thru. Also home to the strangest array of cheap beer anywhere that isn’t La Crosse, Wisconsin. Go ahead, buy Old German premium lager. The world knows no finer. 

 

Yum

Best Of 7 (n.) – Head-to-head drinking activity in which two teams play Pong to win the allotted games in the “series.” [2] If not all seven games are needed, games may be discarded, but no one has ever stopped playing Pong before running out of beer. Ideal activity for isolating other people at the party and getting the competitive spirit burning a little too brightly.

bid (n.) – a layout that does not result in a catch or D.

boost it (v.) – the act of hucking the disc downfield without taking into consideration the practicality of the throw. Most often a throw will be “boosted” to Amburns, who will reel it in for the score.

Cheap Beer Tasting (n.) – drinking activity in which six cheap beers are selected and tasted at random to declare one of them “the best.” The winner of the inaugural Cheap Beer Tasting was Extra Gold. Note: Classic Ice cannot be entered into the Cheap Beer Tasting because everyone already knows it is the best cheap beer.

Citadel (n.) – recurring Jive house at 512 Reed Street that, no matter how hard its newest residents try to rename it, will always be known as the Citadel. It’s latest incarnation forfeited the discolored carpet in favor of nice, shiny wood panels, which will soon be discolored as well. Similar to The Chateau, which also seems to fall into Jive’s hands every other year[3].

Coup de Pong (n.) – a contest between a Plebian and the Patricians of Jive. Any commoner can issue a Coup, where the challenger plays all the Jive officers in Pong, one-on-one until he/she is beaten. If the challenger beats all the officers, they earn the title of Jive King[4] and become omnipotent. No one has successfully completed a Coup de Pong.   

Dad-Backhand (n.) – an unusual and mostly incorrect backhand throw used by rookies and fathers who haven’t learned to throw a real backhand. Also known as a Barbeque Backhand.

foul (n.) – an infraction in which the thrower, receiver, defender, or spiker has been impeded in their attempt to throw, catch, defend, or spike the disc. Called almost exclusively by Moller in meaningless games at Gettysburg’s home tournament.

Frisbee Golf (n.) – like real golf, but played across campus and with a disc aimed at a tree. Yes, really. But not the tree you just hit. That was the wrong tree. At times your disc will go dangerously close to a clueless passerby. See: “Leave It!”

The Funk (n.) – Fuck the Funk.[5]

High Tide (n.) – debauched Spring Break trip and “BEST WEEK OF THE YEAR” where the Jive Turkeys rent a house, play Ultimate, party wildly, and try not to get evicted. In 2010 and 2014 the team had to try extra hard to not get evicted.

Not High Tide.

HTOD (n.) – Stands for Hat Tournament of Debauchery. Stations and team-based party that takes place during Jive Fest in the various locales of the Jive Turkeys. Invented in 2007, the events differ in execution, but the goal remains the same: total annihilation. Typically, one member of the Jive Turkeys will be responsible for putting the schedule of events and teams together, only to have to revise both the former and latter, which results in an overabundance of unread emails for all involved parties.

Hypnotoad (n.) – Philly-based men’s club team that comes together every two years to underachieve during the series. Wearers of the best jerseys known to Ultimate. All hail the Hypnotoad[6]!

Jive Fest (n.) – drinking festival home tournament of the Jive Turkeys, often held in October, although sometimes, and inconveniently, during Homecoming and Parents’ Weekend. NSFW in the strictest sense because of the accompanying Saturday night party. See above: HTOD[7].

Jive Fest’s Law (n.) – If you are wearing a Jive Fest shirt, someone else will always be wearing the same shirt and you'll run into each other.

Jive Historian (n.) – the sole member of the team who dedicates tremendous amounts of their own time and effort to learning nugatory information related to the history of the Jive Turkeys and its participants. If lucky, this person will find one confused soul eager to listen to the endless factoids and anecdotes who will one day succeed them in the role of Jive Historian. Past historians include Goemaat, Michael, Shermies, Limber, and McCrink, Vincent

layout (n.) – a bid that results in a catch or D

“Leave It!” (command) –  Your Frisbee Golf disc will land near someone and that person will, lacking an understanding of Frisbee golf, go to pick up the disc and Dad-Backhand it to you, and despite your telling them to “Leave It!” they will try to return the disc to you, fail, and shrug their shoulders as you walk towards the disc, pick it up, and throw it back near the person. This cycle will continue forever.

Mandatory Organized Fun (n.) – umbrella term for the night’s prearranged get-fucked-up activities. Not to be confused with Unstructured Fun, which is fun, but not as much fun as Mandatory Organized Fun.

Offside (n.) – an infraction only in theory where the pulling team does not maintain proper positioning during the pull. At the time of this writing, no Jive Turkey has ever been Onside during a pull.

Rainwater, Jake (n.) – Jersey-born Jive Turkey alumnus, professional Ultimate player for the Philadelphia Spinners, and former captain of Hypnotoad. Known to subsist on a steady diet of Jägermeister, Gooey Wings, and ridiculous end-zone dances. His van may have also swallowed my iPod back in the day, to which I am certainly not bitter[8].

 

You had me at "Rainwater"

Roll Call (n.) ­– possibly real, probably fictional spring tournament in Poolesville, Maryland.

Scoober (n.) – the Throw of Throws. Never gratuitous and never incomplete. Even comes in Inside-Out variety when the highest level of Scoober-mastery has been achieved.  Performed by taking the hammer grip and released from above the off-hand shoulder. Recommended usage: versus awful zone defenses, on the end-zone line, against Pitt[9].

Shaman (n.) – See above: Jive Historian (n.) [10]

Poon Palace (n.) – 379 West Louther and Jive townhouse of yesteryear that played host to many games of Pong and almost as many holes in its walls. Nothing going on? Party at the Palace.

Tong Fest (n.) – triannual, trimonthly, or triweekly outdoor dance party at 521 West Louther, also known as Club Tong. Excessive day-drinking is encouraged, although not required, prior to participation in Tong Fest. No strict requirements are known as to what constitutes a Tong Fest, and it may be an amalgamation of all outdoor drinking activities soundtracked by Mat Zo and Hardwell.[11]

Ultimate (n.) – the sport that is supposedly the reason people join the Jive Turkeys, although no sufficient scientific data exists showing Ultimate’s impact on the retention rate of Jive.  

"I say, that was some fine sporting we did today!"

Unprom (n.) – costume party developed by SBC in which the attendees are assigned to shop for another person’s outfit, all while agreeing to wear what someone else buys for you. Hilarity ensues and wedding dresses abound. If you are a bad sport about the XS Gumbi costume that someone buys for you, you should probably find new friends.

Viceroy (n.) – the Sultan of Summer and our only hope for staving off Endless Winter. If we play more Viceroy the weather will improve!

“YOOOUUU GOTTTTAAA” (command) – words of encouragement to tell you to do something that you probably shouldn’t do. The only response to the idiot who feels the need to say “I Might Just…” before doing anything. [12]

---

[1] 3, to be exact

[2] Look at your opponent, you will HATE that person at the end of the night.

[3] Where’s the Princess Castle?

[4] I defer to Jake on regards to Coup de Pongs: there can only be one Jive King: King Posey

[5] FUCK THE FUNK

[6] ALL HAIL THE HYPONOTOAD

[7] Also the first tournament my parents saw me play ultimate, resulting in their continuing to ask me every time I say I’m playing Frisbee: “are you wearing a moose hat?”

[8] I also once told him he was the best captain I ever had. Preventing me from ever effectively heckling him ever again

[9]To this day I still call this a scooper. No reason.

[10] The original Jive Historian, as nicknamed by wheel. Also a slow, tall, bearded idiot who somehow played on the Jive A team for a year and a half.

[11] Yo, we talking about Tongfest?

[12] YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU GOTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA