Jive Turkey Dictionary A.E. (Alcohol Edition)

A couple months ago I rolled out my Jive Turkey Dictionary and the response was… animated. While many Turks were happy to see some of their favorite sayings get the full Merriam-Webster treatment, others accused me of committing an unforgivable life error for omitting such-and-such term or *insert legendary party here*. In other words, my list was wrong. One day I will make full restitution of my mistakes, but today is not that day. 

In place of an apology, I give you this dictionary consisting of terms pertaining to Jive’s real pastime: drinking. What follows is an also-incorrect list of alcohols, parties, and games that have been part of Jive’s social culture over the last decade or so. Because I thought it would be fun to give these some historical context, I recruited the help of Shaman, concave-chested archaeologist extraordinaire; Moonshine, Teaching God; and Grefe. It took a couple months, four states, and two countries (yes, Alabama is a different country), but we did it. If you think we missed anything special (spoiler: we definitely missed things), leave us a comment. 

So grab a beer or twelve, review the first installment here if you need to, and let’s get started. 

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Admiral Nelson (n.) – Memory “strengthening” spiced rum that is better than Captain Morgan because it is cheaper, and because an Admiral outranks a Captain, but idiots think otherwise. A must-buy when the 1L bottles are on sale. Buy 2 and get more rum for less money than if you bought the handle. #Math

A chap well acquainted with the Admiral

Classic Ice (n.) – A wonderful and classy beer with a sterling 6% APV and its own Urban Dictionary entry. Better than Natty Ice, and one of the first true Jive beers, setting off a still standing tradition of favorite team beers and liquors being cheaper than the mainstream alternative, of higher alcoholic content, and questionable taste. Back in 2004, a case of Classic came in at a robust $8.50.

The Cylinder (n.) – or scientifically, a Passglas. Seriously, that is a word. A 2000ml graduated cylinder theoretically used for drinking out of, but actually used for spilling beer on yourself. Now a Jive totem courtesy of Jacko Tracko’s brief but fruitful time as the guy in the lab who buys supplies, specifically supplies that real scientists won’t use but Jive scientists will. While meant for beer, the cylinder has also seen a variety of other items, including liquor, silverware, and even a sex toy or two.

Detonator (n.) – Performed when Broey McBroerson and his fellows Bros stand in a circle and smash a beer can against their heads until it exBrodes. An easy way to reduce your own intellect and waste beer at the same time. Nips told Simon what this was on my birthday four years ago, and the world is a lesser place for it.

A lesser place...

Double-Barrel (v.) – Shotgunning a beer whilst someone pours a shot in the top of the can. Useful for expediting the getting-drunk process, and also the needing-to-boot process. Invented by Moonshine and, like all good things in life, was first performed on the line at Gettysburg’s home tournament during some hard-fought point-assessment against Slippery Rock University.

Extra Gold (n.) – Cheap beer that you can purchase at “the Bev.” Winner of the most recent Cheap Beer Tasting, meaning Jive must buy Extra Gold in perpetuity or until a new Cheap Beer has been declared winner by means of blind taste test. Has been popular with the team since the halcyon days of Vinny McCrink, so you know it’s got staying power.

Firewater (n.) – 100 proof cinnamon schnapps commonly associated with High Tide due to the epic ballad “Jive Turkeys Went Down South” created there in 2008. That song is still sung by the team on occasion, despite the fact that very few of the people singing it know Dan Jones, his rattail, The Suze, or where the Firewater is.

They know where the Firewater is.

Fifth Day (n.) – A drinking event for the dedicated man. Meant to be a relaxing day where one spends much of the day drinking a fifth by themselves. Always a great time unless you race to finish, like a moron, and thus tempt death. Consequences can include pants in the freezer, cups of coffee thrown at walls, and porcelain hugging.

Five Loko (n.) – Basic bitch Four Loko and Five Hour energy mixed drink for people who don’t care about seeing straight for an entire day.

Fuck Your Liver (n.) - A tremendously simple game requiring The Cylinder, a deck of cards, and lots of beverage. The player wagers an amount of beverage in the cylinder, then guesses red or black. Incorrect: he/she/it drinks the cylinder. Correct: the cylinder and it’s contents are passed to the next person who will also add a wager and then play the most dangerous game. Often results in strange mixes of drinks, and extreme discomfort for anyone who loses big. So named because it fucks your liver.

Hungarian Stack Races (n.) – A terrible version of Stack Races because of a torturous twist, designed by actual Hungarian Ultimate Players and brought back by Chappers when he studied abroad in Budapest (seriously. We aren’t making this up). All players must drink through a straw while clothespinning their noses until the disc is finished, which it won’t be. Usually this ends with everyone feeling very unwell (at Jivefest ‘07, someone threw up every round. Hooray beer!). Hungarian stack races are proof that at least one member of this team learned something during Dickinson study abroad, and that sometimes what we learn abroad should stay over there.

Icehouse (n.) – Not the Bentley ultimate team (fuck Bentley B!), but a relatively new Jive cheap beer, made popular by the tenants of The Lodge. First purchased en masse at High Tide 2010 with Jake’s Savannah fee, the 10+ cases of various Icehouse products were unable to be finished, but were fortunately ready for pong immediately upon completing the drive home. There are three reasons to buy Icehouse: 1). It’s $12.99, cheaper than Natty, 2). its 5.5% abv, higher than Natty’s, 3). to yell “Get in the House” at freshman who are not immediately willing to guzzle delicious Icehouse. 

Reason number 4: This band photo of Australian rock band Icehouse

Jello Discs (n.) – a team-based, alcohol eating station and the result of great compromise between wanting to do stack races or jello shots, but not both. The recipe calls for hot water, jello mix, and bottom shelf vodka, hopefully Vlad or Bankers Club. Co-created by Vincenzo, jello discs are a Jive original that has spread to other frisbee cultures, such as Vassar and PADA.


Jive Tail (n.) – Originally a spoof of Greek life cocktails, and now a biannual Jive formal hosted by the sophomores in the fall and the freshmen in the spring. Attendees are strongly encouraged to bring a date or two, be this a significant other, friend, or a bottle of bourbon. Salval "classy" attire is a must, and those showing up with a backpack trying to steal the booze will be kick out of the party and probably kicked off the team. Seniors will be aggressively drunk celebrating the two parties all year they didn't have to plan or spend money on.

I don't have a witty remark for this. It's just terrifying.

Landshark (v.) – Most definitely not a beer, but feel to contact Ducky, Jake, Bowman, Simon or Mittens about it. If you can’t find Mittens to ask him, check outside the gate at High Tide. Moving on.

Might be a Landshark. Might not.

Loko Hands (n.) – A one-off drinking contest in which the participants tape two OG Four Lokos to their hands and race to finish them first, ideally in 29 minutes or less. When all Four Lokos are finished, participants must celebrate by splitting a final Four Loko. Now seems a reasonable time to clarify that the real world equivalent to one Four Loko was 6 coffees and 6 drinks. Typically leads to lost moccasins and random bouts of responsibility.

Mad Dog (n.) – MD 20/20 fortified hobo wine. Colloquially known as Mad Dog, because “Fortified hobo wine” has a pretentious ring to it, despite appealing to hobos. Most commonly purchased in the Orange Jubilee flavor, which looks eerily similar to Orange Juice, and probably tastes similar too. “Hindsight is MD 20/20” - Posey.

Posey not demonstrating foresight, or hindsight, for that matter

Montebello (n.) – All the liquor you’ve never liked drinking without a chaser, except now you combine them and also drink them without a chaser. First discovered at Lafayette, Fall 2011™, by Jack to be shared with the team over the course of Sunday. GOALIE PICK UP THE GODDAMN MONTE!

Mystery/Party Box (n.) – An H.T.O.D. staple, generally considered the best station by all four people who care about that sort of accolade, who coincidentally all authored this post. The contents of the Party Box can vary, but always includes laughably bad alcohol balanced out with delicious non-alcoholic items such as hot peppers or Yoohoo. Or cigarettes. The key to winning is to give the Lucky No. 7-11 to someone else, or to find weird cases at Bev Express while creating the station, like a buried case of WildCat, hidden and unlabeled under other beers.

Punch Bowl (n.) – A brutal innovation by the ever-sustainable-minded members of the original Chateau. In the morning post-soiree, gather all the woundeds and pour them into a bowl to chill or partially freeze for the next party. Most famously led to Grefe’s alcohol/food poisoning and general demise Fall ‘07, but generally responsible for ruining everyone’s night every time.

He hasn't been the same since

Shen Fest (n.) – Now a smaller scale HTOD dedicated in memory to Shen, but originally conceived as a surprise Around the World party in 2008. Given a gritty reboot in 2011 as a trial run for the HTOD planner, but has since exceeded these modest expectations to attract a dedicated and maniacal fanboy following.

Trailer Park Bombs (n.) – The drunk uncle of bomb shots. Like an Irish Car bomb, except instead of nice Car Bomb materials you use Hurricane and Mad Dog, and instead of enjoying the drink you look and smell like a derelict wino.

Unprom (n.) – Costume party developed by SBC in which the attendees are assigned to shop for another person’s outfit, all while agreeing to wear what someone else buys for you. Hilarity ensues and wedding dresses abound. If you are a bad sport about the XS Gumbi costume that someone buys for you, you should probably find new friends.

Jive's first Unprom, 2010. No SBC, we don't understand either.

Wagers (n.) – Most frequently a card based party game, involving bets on the upcoming cards and corresponding silly tasks, but wagers can be made on anything. Will Jake answer the phone with “Oyyyyy,” “Oy it’s Gutta,” or the field is a quintessential starter. Tasks should be proportionally outrageous compared to the unlikelihood of the predicted card or event. Ex: 1. If this next card is the ace of spades, I’ll wolf a beer. Ex: 2. If Posey flies back from Japan for High Tide, I’ll do a fifth day.

Wednesday (n.) – The fourth day of the week, the day of Wōden, and the most popular weekday drinking night for Jive Turkeys since the invention of Jesus. To be said primarily with elongation of all vowels: “WEEEEEEEEEDNEEEEEEEEESDAAAAAAAAAAY” and most suitably followed by muttering “Goddammit” while facepalming yourself.

Wolf (v.) – Created by Shen when he disregarded sanity to bite the beer can because he had no key to shotgun with. The wolf is the closest to primordial beverage consumption that you will get.

(Re)Marx: Commodity Fetishism and Foreign Policy

Born out of the alcoholic fever dreams of a post graduate existential ennui, The Fish considers what it means to find a stranger in the alps. Brought to you by Pedialyte and Beef Jerkey, the breakfast of champions. 

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The collected writings of Karl Marx form the basis on which his intellectual heirs have erected a complex and all-pervading analytical didactic. Marxism as a didactic explains foreign policy through the lens of history, with the economic stage of history in which the world finds itself at a particular time determining the way that nation-states interact with one another. This didactic is not always useful for analysis of international relations as its rigidity prevents its adaptation for changing circumstances – as long as the analyst can determine the correct stage of history for the situation, the predicted foreign policy outcome is largely a foregone conclusion. Despite the rigidity of Marxist didactic when applied to foreign policy, certain of Marx’s concepts do lend themselves to operationalization as methods of foreign policy analysis. By focusing more on the intellectual mechanisms of Marx’s analysis, what were previously purely tools of economic analysis can be stripped down and adapted to foreign policy analysis.

One of these intellectual mechanisms is the concept of commodity fetishism, described in volume one of Das Kapital. Marx posits that as capitalist society develops, human social interaction becomes increasingly distorted and eventually disappears altogether. The reason for this disappearance is because in a fully capitalist society, people are no longer people, but rather an expression of commodities, defined by the value and interaction of the items they produce.  Marx explains that rather than flowing directly from person to person, capitalist social interactions must flow through a commodity. This flow, rendered in abbreviation for simplicity, reads

P – C – P

The commodity which interrupts the P – P interaction is the fetish;[1] an inanimate object imbued with intrinsic value by the participants in that interaction. The fetish itself may have no intrinsic value, yet once value is imbued by the participants it serves to shape and define their interaction. Marx uses the example of crafting a table out of wood; after the carpenter finishes his work, the wood of the table remains wood, unchanged in its basic form. However, the table itself is now a commodity, given an extra dose of worth out of belief alone.[2] It is this idea of belief, as expressed by Charles de Brosses[3] and discussed by Auguste Comte[4] that introduces the element of illogical reasoning into the interaction between the two persons in the equation above. The basic analytical mechanism behind the theory of commodity fetishism is that something comes between the two actors in the equation which distorts what would otherwise be the logical outcome – the commodity.

To take this basic analytical mechanism and recreate it as a foreign-policy focused analytical mechanism requires a re-definition of terms that nonetheless retains the same purpose as Marx’s theory. Instead of a person, replace P with A - for Actor; a term denoting any participant in foreign policy from the individual through the nation-state to the multilateral organization. For the purposes of this paper, the focus will largely be on nation-state and multilateral actors. Instead of the commodity C, substitute the underlying concept of the fetish as an object or idea imbued with intrinsic value by the participants in the equation. Thus, the equation that was expressed by Marx as P – C – P is now written

A – F – A

Like Marx’s commodities, the foreign policy fetishes serve to distort what should be the logical interaction of the constituent actors. Major theories of international relations predicate their predictive powers upon the notion that the participants in the international system are by and large logical; the fetish helps explain why they are anything but.

So what exactly is the fetish, and how does it serve to frame or distort what should theoretically be a logical interaction between actors in the international system? In the equation A – F – A the fetish is unlikely to be a physical commodity, as Marx asserts with his mechanism P – C – P. The fetish is rather an idea or set of imperatives against which an actor assesses foreign policy decisions which can lead to an otherwise illogical decision.  The predictive and analytical power of A – F – A lies in assessing what a particular actor’s fetish is at any given time, then assessing a past or prospective decision against it. By being aware of what a particular actor’s fetish is, an observer is able to adapt their analysis so that they are able to predict the illogical outcome of the interaction – the logical outcome in light of belief in a fetish. This formula does not apply to all actors in all situations, but rather serves best when used in conjunction with established concepts of foreign policy analysis to reduce blind spots.

If I'm wrong, prove it. 

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[1] Karl Marx, Capital, Volume One, trans. Ben Fowkes (London: Pelican Classics, 1976): 163-177.

[2] Ibid. 163-4.

[3] Charles de Brosses, Du culte des dieux fétiches, ou Parallèle de l'ancienne religion de l'Egypte avec la religion actuelle de Nigritie (Paris, 1760)

[4] Harriet Martineau, The Positive Philosophy of Auguste Comte, vol. III (London: George Bell & Sons, 1896): 12. http://socserv.mcmaster.ca/econ/ugcm/3ll3/comte/Philosophy3.pdf

Haverween 2014: Victory of the Highest Order!

Pictured (left to right) first row: Salad, Big Mo, Emery, Dane, Kilburn, TV, Moller, Jaldin, Dan Day, Ian Hill, Goemaat, Coach Simon. Second row: Lev, Simon, Mike, Sam, Trevor, Fabio, Milstein, Cam.
Photo credit the venerable Dave Emery

Haverween: The Build Up 

For the fourth year in a row, the Jive Turkeys awoke far too early on Saturday morning, in a boozy stupor, to drive to Haverford College for Haverween. I, in my ongoing quest to stay on the team for the rest of forever despite having graduated last May, came along for the ride.

Before Saturday’s drive, we had an important milestone to celebrate on campus: Trevor’s 21^st birthday! And celebrate it we did, with a party at Goemaat’s House followed by a rather bizarre excursion to Alibi’s, a place I’ve been to more times during the day than the night. The typical 21^st birthday tomfoolery took place, but the next morning we were treated to a few surprises, namely that Trevor, our trusty captain and Regent of Responsibility, was not at the cushies. Nor did he show up when it was time to leave, so, against our best wishes, we headed for the interstate. Well, all of us except for Moller, who needed to have his car jumped by none other than yours truly. Forces were conspiring against the Turks to make for a potentially painful morning. Thankfully, Trevor was found and joined Moller’s car, but not in time for the start of games. Congrats Trevor, by sleeping through a tourney wake up you’ve become a true Jive Turkey. One of us! One of us!

Saturday

Because I view highway speed limits as “Optional,” the car of myself, Kellen, and Fabio made it to the fields with plenty of time to spare, but not plenty of players. No one else showed up for half an hour. And the tournament had been reformatted, meaning we had 5 games in one day. Again, some higher power was punishing us for Friday night. These games, however, were against largely inept opposition, including Drexel B, Haverford B, Villanova (secretly their B team), Fordham (secretly terrible), and Philly U (not secretly terrible).

Drexel B proved a decent first game, as we were able to build a comfortable lead and get the freshmen some early playing time. We took half at 7-2 with a combination of good defense and better upside down throws. By now, Trevor and co. had finally showed up, and while most of the car rushed to cleat up, Captain Greasetrucks seemed “happier” to hang out on the sidelines for a bit. Why did I put happier in airquotes? I’ll explain. Rumor has it that Trev muttered something about not feeling entirely coordinated, like some invisible force was inhibiting his ultimate abilities. That, my friends, might have been a hangover, and step one in trying to understand why Jive often plays like cow dung the morning after a party.

The second game was against Philly U. Philly U pretty much never shows up to these fall tournaments with a team of current players, bringing many alums instead. Well, not on this day.  Dressed as Risky Business, they had a lot of new players and it showed: 13-0 win for Jive. Bagels for everyone! Let’s not talk about this game in any actually detail, for calling it a game of ultimate would be misleading and untrue.

#Blessed

Round three pitted Jive against Villanova, a team that beat us last year at Haverween, but lost to the good people of Carlisle a couple weeks ago at West Chester. I remember them being a young with fundamentally sound handlers, but this weekend they were young without fundamentally sound handlers, so we won 12-5. They sat most of their A-line guys, and through some excellent interviewing, your author found out that Nova didn’t “have enough money” to send both an A and a B-team to the tourney because they are attending Easterns next weekend. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for them.

The Haverford B and Fordham games proved no more competitive than the previous three. We felled Haverford B 13-3 and played Pick Six rules against Fordham. I believe Kilburn rattled off three in a row, to which Fordham started growing upset with our shenanigans. No matter, we beat them too. A 13-3 victory meant the Jive men finished 5-0 on the day, and the Lady Turks won all four of their games, too. Can’t hate on a combined 9-0. 

We knew that Sunday’s competition would be much tougher, but until then, we were intent on celebrated our successes with Busch Hunting, deep haus, a fog machine, and, because of the previous three things, a noise complaint and visit from the cops. Classic JF Turks Saturday night, this is why we cannot have nice things.

Sunday

Finally time for some real ultimate! Saturday was fun but mostly devoid of any arduous challenge. Sunday, on the other hand, was bracket play, and with a potential rematch with Haverford on the line, we needed to get to work.

St. Joseph’s was our quarterfinals matchup, the team that won Haverween last year. Our offensive movement was dominant from the beginning, and we showed a good ability to transition from horizontal to vertical stack, and vice versa, on the fly, something we were not forced to do on Saturday. We took half at 8-3, and cruised from there, wrapping up the game 15-8. Of note, my terrible, horrible, miserable hammer to Trevor on the last point. Mental note: lofty hammers into triple coverage do not work.

For the semis, we faced the Haverford Alumni. As we were playing the alums, Haverford A faced Gettysburg, and Gburg jumped out to a surprising 4-1 lead that would not at all last while we started off trading points. After 3-3, however, we started clicking, and energy and speed helped us win our matchups on offense and get turnovers on defense. We took half by a score of 8-5 and finished strong 15-9. We had a much bigger sideline than the alums, and the gulf in numbers no doubt helped us, and an early finish allowed us to catch the end of Haverford’s win against Gburg. We had our rematch, our final.

You'd be guilty of massive understatement for merely saying both teams came ready to play. Last year, we lost on universe point to the Donkeys in what was a hard fought, wind-affected game. Jive wanted revenge, and Haverford wanted to win Haverween for the first time. As it were, these points were long and tiring, but Jive jumped out to a 3-1 lead before calling time out to recover a bit. We responded exactly how we wanted out of the break, with three more points, forcing Haverford into regrouping with a time out of their own. Following the second pause, Jive entered half with an 8-2 lead that was much more strenuous than the score line would suggest. The second half continued with the same strong offense and consistent defensive pressure, but Haverford put a few more on the board. At 14-8, Trevor found Kilburn in the end zone with a hammer, giving us a nice story arc and our 15^th point. For the second time in three years, Jive had won Haverween, finishing 8-0 in the process with a goal difference of +68. 

Pictured: arcs

Epilogue

As I mentioned at the start, I had the misfortune of graduating in May, meaning my time as a Jive Turkey came to a close last spring. Except not really. It strikes me as a testament to the bonds of the members of this team and how those relationships transcend silly things like age gaps and Years of Graduation, that alums (myself included) ask to play at fall tournaments. We alumni no longer have the convenience of practicing four times a week to stay in shape, and we certainly do not know the new freshmen, but still we want to recapture a few moments of our time with this team. So we sign up for tournaments to get a chance to spend a weekend with friends that we no longer see on a daily basis. And for a couple days, we share memories of our college days and reflect on past tournaments, and make new memories by playing the sport that brought us all together in the first place. For this pleasure I have no single person to thank, rather the many people who make up the Jive Turkeys.

So great Haverween everyone. I can’t yet say if we will do it again next year, but we did it this year, and that is good enough. 

Select Highlights

-the extended cameo from Rock Hands

-Salad getting pulled over by Haverford campus police for pushing Dane around in a wheelbarrow.

-Jaldin’s layout Ds and subsequent injuries

-Mike sleeping in the bathroom.

-trapping Dan Day inside the auxiliary blanket and carrying him into the middle of the fields.

-Max Charles skying Trevor. Video is here

-Deep Haus party

-INCREASE THE FOG! THE FOG OF WAR!!!

-Birthday present tournament wins.

-“Halftime” Hans Zimmer, the greatest sideline music ever.
-Except for this Interstellar trailer song, the new greatest sideline music ever. Did somebody say Nolan?!?!