I have attended and survived three Wildwoods. Three times I have bravely left my home for one weekend and ventured south, only to be
attacked at the Bridge of Khazad-dum, and dragged to the depths of the Jersey shore. Each time I returned as Goemaat the Red, sunburned and with a hangover
that makes you want to dunk your head in an icy tub.
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| Pictured: You, after Wildwood |
But I digress, for all
this information is not helpful for you, the reader, you who wants to understand
just what is Wildwood, and how do I not die there? Wildwood has many perils, but this should help you mentally prepare for the weekend you cannot physically prepare for. Let's start with...
The Tournament
So, in theory,
the point of Wildwood is to play Ultimate, but you don’t want to do that, do
you? Didn’t think so. But just in case you feel like playing a couple points,
know that this is beach Ultimate, which differs from regular Ultimate in that
it is played on mounds of sand and not mounds of dirt. (Emery is a legend at
this kind of Ultimate). You’ll play around 4 games on Saturday, which is
stupid, so go find a shop that sells Daiquiris and buy some of those instead.
It’ll help your hangover much more than running and sweating will, and you get
a head start on afternoon drinking! But careful walking
around, because you’ll encounter…
The Locals
Wildwood prides itself on being the biggest beach Ultimate
tournament in America, and rightfully so. You’ll be surrounded by other
Ultimate players at the beach and in town (they are the drunk ones with pinnie burns).
But other people actually go to Wildwood as well, and they stay up late on
rooftops as well, so you need to be able to navigate avoid them. The locals do not care
about your sweet garb or summer jams, and short of asking you to punch them in
the face for their YouTube channel, they just want you to Get The Fuck Out. So
remember where you are staying this weekend; memorize the particulars of your
roofdeck/party mansion and you won’t get mugged. Probably. But if the people
don’t get you, gird your loins for…
The Food
While the majority of your Wildwood diet will consist of cheap
beer and cheaper liquor, you will inevitably need to eat something that
marginally resembles food. But fear not! You are near the beach, which means
you are near Hot Spot IV, the Holy Grail of bad boardwalk food. Hot Spot IV
will serve all of your morning hangover needs and will definitely not make you
feel better. In fact, you’ll feel worse, and no, going to Hot Spots I-III would
not have been a better choice. I’m not sure they exist. Embrace the Hot Spot IV. Love the Hot Spot IV. Be one with the Hot Spot
IV. You’ll need its sustenance, because you sure as shit won’t be sleeping
well…
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| Pictured: Hell |
The Sleep
I’ll keep this short: sleeping at Wildwood sucks. Chances are
you are crammed in a bedroom with 6-25 other people, so bed space will be at a
premium. Bring a sleeping bag or blanket, but those floors don’t look very
comfortable, so maybe don’t sleep. Besides, who wants to sleep through…
The Partying
Real talk: the
best part about Wildwood is partying with everyone. In the past, the
“place-to-be,” as much as there is one in the armpit of America, is the Binn’s
Motor Inn. The roofdeck essentially operates sans rules, which means that late night parties
are a must, and after the late night parties, late-late night bedroom dance
parties are always an option too. The cheap beds are perfect for jumping on, so
go ahead and break that bed frame because no idiot is going to spear themselves
on that jutting out piece of metal.
*shuffles paper, prepares to move on to next point…*
What? That has
happened before? Really? That sounds awful. Why would you want to go to a place
where raucous behavior could literally leave you in stitches? This whole
weekend sounds rather, um, unpleasant, and not to mention expensive. How can
this be worth it?
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| Pictured: Winning |
In truth,
describing Wildwood to someone can really only make it sound like a gigantic
mess where everyone leaves feeling like beat shit. But it’s a magical weekend that serves as a
summer reunion of sorts, and often leaves us with great stories (see: local
getting punched for his YouTube channel). And yes, it is probably the most
expensive weekend of Ultimate you’ll have for quite some time, but that doesn’t
matter in the long-run. So whether you’re a Wildwood veteran or new and fearful
of the experience, treat it like a chance to be at the beach with a bunch of
wackos you haven’t seen in a while and you’ll be happy you went. Even if you do
get a nasty foot wound.
"The locals do not care about your sweet garb or summer jams..."
ReplyDeleteMonsters.