Champions League Round of 16, End of Leg 1: English Woes, German Pressing

The dust from the first legs has settled. Some of the big teams are already looking beyond the second leg and onto the quarterfinals, while others don’t have the liberty of just coasting on autopilot in the return game. Oh, and then there is Arsenal who, despite finishing second in their group, were gifted – on paper – the weakest of the first place group finishers. Monaco, once bankrolled by oil billions, are now a decent team in a not-great, not-terrible league. They aren’t even in the top-3 in Ligue 1, yet Arsenal found a way to turn in a very Arsenally performance (in a bad way) and fall flat on their faces to a 3-1 defeat. At home.

Credit to Monaco where credit is surely due, they counterattacked perfectly, taking advantage of Arsenal’s penchant for tossing all their players forward in an effort to play the most beautiful, silky smooth soccer. Great to see Dimitar Berbatov get a goal. That man basically defines mercurial, but he's fantastic to watch, capable of pulling off ridiculous things with seemingly little effort. I hope he plays forever.

As it stands, things look grim for the Gunners heading to Monaco for the second leg. Arsenal will need to provide a thorough shellacking to a very stingy defense. This was the year Arsenal was supposed to advance past the round of 16. After yesterday, they clearly do not deserve to.

England’s bad week actually started with Manchester City falling 1-2 to a vastly superior Barcelona side. Barcelona unlocked the City defense early, with Suarez nabbing two goals (and no bites of Demichelis). Sure Joe Hart made saved Messi’s penalty to give City and lifeline, and sure Aguero got them a goal back, but the smart money will be on the Catalans wrapping things up at home next time out. But where is the fun in that? I expect a little chaos. City has to bolster their rep in Europe at some point, don’t they?

Elsewhere in Europe, the seemingly impossible happening between Bayer Leverkusen and Atletico Madrid: someone outbullied Simeone’s bullies. Hats off to Roger Schmidt and his extremely well-disciplined, hard-fouling players. If Atleti are bulldogs, Leverkusen were a pack of hungry Doberman Pinschers.

Leverkusen has been attracting a fair bit of attention in the Bundesliga due to their batshit, insane pressing style and tendency to shoot from the middle-of-fucking-nowhere if it suits their fancy. Both of these things suited their fancy yesterday. They pressed, fouled often, and backed Atleti into their own zone. In a harsh, tactical battle, the German side came out on top thanks to a 57^th minute goal from Hakan Çalhanoğlu. A 1-0 scoreline isn’t insurmountable by any means, and Atleti have a strong record at home, but Schmidt has to be incredibly pleased with how his side fared yesterday. Their form has been somewhat inconsistent in the league lately, but their display against last year’s Champions League runner-ups was as impressive as they have been in a long time.

Lastly, I’ll talk about Juventus v. Dortmund, a game that Juve took 2-1 thanks to solid counterattacking mixed with the types of defensive errors that have plagued Dortmund all season. Juventus didn’t feel like the home team in this one, letting Dortmund dictate the pace of the game. Clearly, they did not mind, as they recovered loose balls, flew at Dortmund’s defense, and twice put in low crosses from the left side (where RB Lukasz Piszczek started and left with an injury) that Mats Hummels casually fanned at. Weidenfeller spilled the cross for the first goal, but the second goal was a clean link up between Pogba and Morata. Could Hummels have thrown his body at either one? Maybe, but he didn’t, so this tie returns to Germany with Dortmund needing at least a 1-0 win. The away goal will be some compensation. After all, they played well against the champions of Italy who are notoriously solid defensively. In my preview I said this one would be tight, and I stand by that claim. Can The Yellow Wall propel Dortmund to victory in March? I sure as hell hope so.

First leg results:

PSG 1 – 1 Chelsea

Shakhtar 0 – 0 Bayern Munich

Schalke 0 – 2 Madrid

Basel 1 – 1 Porto

Juventus 2 – 1 Dortmund

Manchester City 1 – 2 Barcelona

Bayer Leverkusen 1 – 0 Atletico Madrid

Arsenal 3 -1 AS Monaco

Champions League Round of 16, Preview 2: More Rematches!

Do we have more Champions League games this week? You bet your ass we have more Champions League games this week. Last Wednesday’s games weren’t really all that fun to watch or write about, so I opted not to do a full recap. I do feel like I need to say something, so I’ll make this quick. Schalke 0 – 2 Madrid effectively ends that tie without Madrid looking at all dominant in the first game. The opening goal came from Schalke napping and letting Cristiano Ronaldo sky their defense for a headed goal. After that, Madrid did little to nothing, and Schalke nearly tied it up when 19-yr old Felix Platte clobbered a shot past Casillas and off the crossbar. Afterwards, Saint Iker tapped the crossbar as if to thank it for its service, then Marcelo scored a crazy goal, so leg two should be a bore for anyone but Madrid fans. Basel 1 – 1 Porto gives both sides something to play for in the next game, but I didn’t watch it and don’t feel like I know enough to comment on how this one turned out. So forget about last week, (like I’ve tried to!) because we’ve got some excellent affairs this week.

Juventus v. Borussia Dortmund

Tuesday Feb. 24, 2:45 ET

This is the game that I will be watching. 

Sure, Man City and Barcelona will be a great head-to-head rematch (!!!), with narrative, splendid goals, and diminutive forwards. If you like that, great, but I have bit more of a personal stake in the other Tuesday game, so that’s what you are going to get.

Juventus are evil. Sorry, I’m a Roma fan, so I had to get that one off of my chest.

In spite of this, I will admit that Juventus will win the league again. Serie A is too poor as a whole and Roma is in too much of a funk, and also, LOL, Roma doesn’t win titles. But if a Juventus title is an inevitability, then success in Europe sure as hell is not. Juventus have been expected to make deep runs in Europe the past few years, but they have failed to do so, and they hope that trend does not continue. They have a very good team, but their window with this group may be closing because of aging stars (Buffon and Pirlo) and the potential for significant departures (Pogba and maybe Tevez). And up against the Bianconeri is the Yellow Wall.

You see, I like Dortmund. I love Jurgen Klopp’s lunacy and his manic gegenpressing system that took the Bundesliga by storm in 2011 and 2012 when Dortmund won back to back titles. (Of course, Bayern had to spoil the fun by buying their players and becoming a ruthless killing machine, but that isn’t important here!!). Dortmund have a good team, a team that has been underperforming badly for most of the season, but they seem invigorated since the start of the Rückrunde, winning their last three games and “charging” up the table to 12^th. I’d love to see them make Europe, but what is more important is for the team to ride the high of Marco Reus’ contract extension finish strong in the league, try and make a run in the Champions League, and do better next year.

Both teams have a point to prove in this rematch of the 1997 final. For Juventus, they want to show they can beat strong sides in Europe. For Dortmund, this is a chance to salvage their season and get their talented-on-paper team to produce the results expected of them on the big stage.

These teams can entertain, too. There is a chance that Paul Pogba will do something superhuman, or that a brilliant Dortmund counterattack will lead to an ecstatic Jurgen Klopp fist pumping into oblivion on the sideline, or that Andrea Pirlo's beard will cause us all to bow down and chant "We're not worthy."

One team sits in first in their league. The other was at the bottom of theirs just a few weeks ago. That is about as misleading as it gets. I’m expecting a tight first leg in Turin, but the second leg back at the Westfalenstadion in Dortmund is where the fun should really start.

Manchester City v. Barcelona

Tuesday Feb. 24, 2:45 ET

Ah, rematch is in the air. Last year Manchester City fell to Barcelona in the knockout round of 16 before Barcelona fell to Atletico Madrid in the quarterfinals. City has struggled to gain footing in the Champions League even though they are the soccer equivalent of Mr. Moneybags. They won two of the last three Premier League titles, but success abroad has so far alluded them. Is this the year?

Well, it depends which City team shows up, and whether Barcelona keep their - until last weekend’s loss to Malaga – scintillating form going. City is stocked with stars, but their team really clicks with Yaya Toure in the lineup. Without him, the other central midfields (Fernando and Fernandinho. Not joking) just don’t offer what Toure does offensively. To be fair, few other what Toure does. He’s smart, powerful, skillful, and formerly of Barcelona (oooh! Narrative!)

Barcelona sit second in La Liga, with the attacking trident of Neymar, Luis Suarez, and Messi finding their groove at the right time (until that shock loss, which was seriously shocking). They are not perfect at the back, and their ultra attacking fullbacks might get caught out by City’s counterattack. Expect some goals in this one, goals that either display the massive skill of the players involved, or goals that stem from blunders so blunderous that you might as well soundtrack the replays with the Benny Hill theme.

Crap, I think I need to find a way to watch both these games. Good thing I have two monitors at work.

Champions League: Round 1, Recap and Previews

Lo and behold, the first games of the Champions League knockout rounds are over, and we’ve got zero winners! Well, that’s not entirely true, because despite both games ending in draws, PSG 1 -1 Chelsea and Shakhtar 0 – 0 Bayern, one team from each match will feel good about the result and the other will wonder if they could/should have done more. Amazingly, I chose to watch the game that ended up having some goals in it. Go figure! I’ll elaborate on that below, but first I’ll quickly say that Shakhtar have to be pleased to earn a draw, although they head to Allianz Arena in Munich in the next leg, so it’s not like they are favorites to advance. Xabi Alonso was shown red in a game ripe with hard fouls and numerous yellow cards. Bayern can thrill when they click, but they did anything but in this match, and I’m at peace with my decision not to watch it.

***

Chelsea went out in their traditional 4-2-3-1 formation, but Mourinho moved a few pieces around. There is little point in trying to understand why he makes the decisions he does, but today he opted to push Cesc Fabregas forward and put two holding midfielders in the hole with Matic and Ramires. Matic has been wonderful all season, covering for Fabregas and allowing the Spaniard to make dangerous passes to the advanced midfielders and striker. Putting Ramires along side him gave Chelsea a more cautious midfield, but you’d still expect a front four of Diego Costa, Cesc, Hazard, and Willian to make offensive things happen.

That’s where logic fails. Logic fails because three of Chelsea’s back four played a hand in the opening goal. Ageless and ever unlikable John Terry put a cross in, which was met with a lovely flick from Gary Cahill and finished by RB Branislav Ivanovic, who has more of a nose for the goal than most at his position.

Chelsea took the lead, but it could have been PSG in front were it not for the enormous Thibaut Courtois denying the side from the French capital. He might be the best keeper not named Neuer in the world right now, and today Chelsea were lucky to have him.

Not too lucky to avoid conceding altogether, though, as Cavani found space in the box to head home in the second half, and from then on PSG were definitely the dominant side. Chelsea were playing for the draw (this is Mourinho away from home, against a good opponent, in a two-leg affair, after all). The best chances the rest of the game belonged to PSG, and but for a few inches, they’d have gone 2-1 up. First Courtois made a huge kick save on Zlatan right before Cavani somehow nudged his effort wide after juking half of the Chelsea defense. A few inches higher for Zlatan and he scores. A few left for Cavani and he scores.

PSG should be proud of how they played, but are probably ruing their missed chances more than patting themselves on the back. As for Chelsea, they got the result they wanted, but were clearly the lesser team.

Schalke v. Real Madrid
Wednesday Feb. 18, 2:45 ET

Another day, another knockout round rematch! Thanks UEFA! Schalke were embarrassed 9-2 on aggregate by Madrid at this stage last season, but you probably should not bank on a scoreline that lopsided again this season. Schalke can be wonderful to watch, or woefully underperforming, depending on which version of the team shows up to play. They are a talented team, with Klaas Jan Huntelaar and Eric Maxis Choupo-Moting banging in goals in front of wonderkids Max Meyer, Julian Draxler, and a host of other up and comers.

They’ll need every minute of experience that their defense and midfield has to contain a Madrid team that practically scores at will. Look, I’ve thought of Madrid as a daunting but slayable beast all season. They have a multi-headed attack, but a soft underbelly that could do them in. They have no true midfield steel since letting Xabi Alonso leave and with Sami Khedira out of form, although most of La Liga are too overmatched by Madrid’s attack to do anything to expose their defense. Atletico did it two weeks ago in the derby, and I suspect that another elite European team will do so as the knockout rounds progress. Schalke is not that team, but they might score a pretty goal or two.

FC Basel v. FC Porto
Wednesday Feb. 18, 2:45 ET

This is the matchup that I profess to know the least about, but that makes me pretty interested in watching it. When Basel secured second place ahead of Liverpool, they did so knowing they’d be facing a group winner, and probably a tall task. What a surprise to find out they were to face Porto in the round of 16. Neither team should be considered likely to advance much further than the quarterfinals, but this matchup does mean that one of them has to advance, which is fun in and of itself! There will be few (maybe zero?) favorable matchups in the next round, but either Basel or Porto will have the chance to upset someone. If Schalke and Madrid turns into one-way traffic early, Basel and Porto could end up being a much more interesting matchup for the neutral

Champions League: Round of 16, Preview 1

Cue the pomp! Cue the circumstance! Cue the Heineken and the parachute-using, Whiplash-drumming of that Ruud van Nistelrooy look-alike! And figure out how the hell you will cue FoxSports1 or FoxSoccer2Go, because the UEFA Champions League returns this week! Sixteen teams have advanced from the group stages, with a few surprise clubs joining the usual cast of European characters. Eight head-to-head matchups await, some of which promise to be full of intrigue, some of which probably will not be full of intrigue, and some of which smell a little match-fixy (three rematches? Fancy me suspicious), but will be worth watching regardless.

To celebrate, I’ll be doing brief previews of the matchups, and recaps for the games I am able to watch. I can only watch one game a day, so I will inevitably pick the wrong one to watch and write about. Apologies in advance, but that is just how it is going to be.

Paris Saint-Germain v. Chelsea
Tuesday Feb. 17, 2:45 ET

The first of the knockout round rematches (get used to this narrative) pits Ligue 1 giants (and European elite wannabees) PSG against Chelsea, leaders in the Premier League and, until their 4-2 disembowelment by Bradford FC (!!!) in the FA Cup, strong contenders for four trophies this year. Nevertheless, Chelsea’s attention was always going to be turned to the league and the UCL, and they face PSG at quite an unfortunate time for the Parisians. Despite their steep payroll and team of stars, PSG hasn’t been able to gel all season, instead relying on the brilliance of Zlatan to earn them points, which for the most part he has been able to do.

But for such an expensively assembled team to be so top heavy, you have to wonder if Chelsea will plan on trying to stifle Zlatan in order to force the rest of the team to get more involved. And who will that be, you ask? Well, it’s a bit hard to say considering four players were injured this past weekend, on top of preexisting injuries. When you’ve got names like Cabaye, Marquinhos, Lucas Moura, Pastore, Matuidi, and Thiago Motta on the shelf, that has got to be a mental blow (and if you don't know those names, know that they are all rather useful, some vital). 

Yet with Zlatan, Cavani, and Thiago Silva all healthy, there is no reason to write PSG off yet, although Chelsea probably like their chances. This one could be thrilling (see PSG’s 3-2 win over Barcelona in the group stages) or a dud depending on how Chelsea approach it. No style points for all the methodical 2-0 wins the Blues have gotten in the league this year, but Mourinho shouldn’t care as long as his team progresses.

Shakhtar Donetsk v. Bayern Munich
Tuesday Feb. 17, 2:45 ET

Ukrainian powerhouse Shakhtar Donetsk get the “pleasure” of hosting Bayern Munich at “home” in the first leg. I say pleasure and home facetiously because the conflict in Ukraine has forced Shakhtar to relocate across the country. Not much of a home field advantage, that. 

Of the non-Big-5 European teams that make the UCL, Shakhtar seem to do pretty well. They can provide the elite teams with a challenge, although they probably wish they weren’t facing big, bad Bayern, who themselves are fresh off an 8-0 romp over hapless Hamburg. Bayern needed a boost going into this round, and they certainly got it with that win. They have depth for days, with quality players at every position. Even with the injuries they are dealing with, an offense boasting the likes of Lewandowski, Götze, Müller, Ribery, and an incredibly in-form Robben, must make Bayern feel confident going into this game.

Two weeks ago Wolfsburg showed the rest of Europe how to beat Bayern: absorb wave after wave of offensive pressure, and counter attack like mad by using speed to overmatch the excellent but not quick (and maybe not working well together) Xabi Alonso and Bastian Schweinsteiger. A repeat of that 4-1 game is extremely unlikely, but at least we know its possible to beat Bayern. Whether Shakhtar possess the ability to do the same remains to be seen. Maybe don’t bet on it, but if they can pull off a shock result, it’ll be a sight to behold.

***

Tomorrow I'll have a recap of whichever of these two games has a better stream (meaning I can actually watch it, thanks Fox) and I'll be previewing Wednesday's matchups of Schalke v. Real Madrid and Basel v. Porto. 

Becoming "The Greatest Generation," with The Wonder Years

View image | gettyimages.com

“I don’t want to take anything away and say they weren’t great, but I think it’s kind of fucked up saying that’s the greatest it can get and we’re okay with being who we are and just trying to get by.” 

-Dan Campbell (The Wonder Years), 

 when asked how his generation is portrayed in the media

From February 6-8, The Wonder Years played three 10^th Anniversary shows, one for each of their last three albums: The Upsides, Suburbia I’ve Given You All, and The Greatest Generation. During the final show on Sunday, the band will performed The Greatest Generation in its entirety, and I was in attendance.  The Greatest Generation is an album that, since it was released, was remained among my most listened to, and one of the only constant CDs I keep in my car. To celebrate the anniversary concerts (specifically the final one) I’ve decided to reexamine The Wonder Years’ fourth album, partly to see why it resonated with fans so much, and partly to try and explain my own obsession with it. 

Let’s start with the title, shall we? The Greatest Generation is lifted from Tom Brokaw’s 1998 book The Greatest Generation. Brokaw wrote his book to honor the men and women that grew up during the Great Depression, fought in World War II and have made invaluable contributions to society. Brokaw dubbed these men and women – the “they” in Campbell’s above quote – “the greatest generation any society has produced.” The “we” in Campbell’s quote is his own generation, my generation, and possibly yours as well: the Millennial generation. By calling their album The Greatest Generation The Wonder Years assert that Brokaw’s book holds a generational relevancy to young adults in their mid-twenties. The relevancy is that because of “the greatest generation,” and the supposed impossibility of matching their accomplishments, the Millennial generation is unmotivated and “have become content with mediocrity.”

You’d be right to call The Greatest Generation a concept album. Every aspect of it contributes to its message of striving to be a better person, a better generation, starting with the album art. Visually, the album gives us clues to its intentions before we even hear the first track. To further the “greatest generation” motif, the album cover features a black and white photograph of a young World War II soldier cropped in front of a drawing of a devil. The symbolism is straightforward – no points for correctly guessing that this is “The Devil in My Bloodstream” that plagues Campbell later. Inside the cover, the liner notes are littered with old photos of members of the greatest generation. These people are not the band members’ families – just old timey, black-and-white photos from thrift stores – nor do they need to be. The people could be anyone; here they represent everyone. Transposed over the black-and-white photos are visual motifs that show up in the song lyrics: blackbirds fly above a family (“The Devil in My Bloodstream”), bombs are pointed at a group of youths (“An American Religion FSF”), a devil joins a couple holding a pistol (duh), bombs in the shape of pills and prescription containers rain onto a group (“Dismantling Summer”), and a ghost lurks behind a young girl (“Passing Through a Screen Door”). The illustrations are ironic, they are the maladies that haunt Campbell’s generation, the personal struggles that show up in his lyrics. Only now they are drawn onto photographs of the greatest generation so they can feel how Campbell feels. It’s a clever role reversal.

The inside flap is where The Wonder Years state their goals for the album: “We’re sick of settling for good. We’re sick of calling someone else the greatest. It’s our turn to shape the world. This is our chance to push through the challenges and the setbacks and define ourselves.” Important to note: The Wonder Years are not out to slight the World War II generation. The band does not want to take away from that generation’s accomplishments. The Greatest Generation (the album) is, however, out to explain that the moniker of “the greatest generation” is problematic. The Wonder Years believe that their generation has been stagnated by pressure to match the other’s achievements. In many cases, like in “Passing” or “Funeral,” the lyrics reflect The Wonders Years’ hope that it is not too late for Millennials to change. When asked about the goals of the album, Campbell responds: “the idea of the record is that we should be striving to be the greatest generation and we should stop the battles with ourselves, and we should start pushing to be the people we wanted to be as we grew up.” How many of had dreams of growing up to be famous, or the best *insert your chosen career here* in your field? Probably almost everyone, because those dreams are essential to being young and exuberant. But just because I didn’t grow up to play a professional sport does not mean I have failed. What it means is that I need to fill that void with another goal, a goal that I might achieve this time. Striving to be great and actually earning the title are two different things, but only by hoping to be the best, not second best, can our generation overcome personal battles. Campbell sees (t)his generation as people whose dreams have been obliterated by the paralyzing realities of growing up and needing to do something with their lives. When it gets hard to figure out what that something is, we begin personal battles with depression and fear. Not the battles of a World War, but a different type of war. A war with one’s self.

That took a rather dark turn, didn’t it? I should apologize, but these are the stakes of The Greatest Generation and why it is so much more than just a catchy pop-punk record. The Wonder Years have long had a peculiar fascination with the generational. On Suburbia, Campbell opens and closes with allusions to figures from previous generations. On “Came Out Swinging” he calls he and his bandmates “this generation’s Morgan Spurlock.” On “And Now I’m Nothing” he sings “I had dreams of being the Allen Ginsberg of my generation without the talent, madness, or vision.” Each role comes with a caveat, however. In fact, all his comparisons on Suburbia come with caveats. He “won’t admit defeat,” implying to Spurlock was defeated by his challenge, but Campbell is determined to succeed. Later, he wants to be Ginsberg, but he is “without the talent, madness, or vision,” leading him to believe “it’s looking hopeless.” Welp. Talking about hitting the nail on the head; The universality of that sentiment nicely sets up The Greatest Generation, which references Brokaw’s The Greatest Generation to argue that putting such a label on one generation makes following generations feel inadequate, which leads to fear of failure and complacency. A generational malaise, if you will. But The Greatest Generation (the album) is more than just a pouty record about young adults in the 21^st century. The Wonder Years make real attempts to reconcile with their malaise. Because of that, maybe you did, too.

Time to turn to the songs. We’ll start with “Passing Through a Screen Door,” a song that, at its core, is about not having a fucking clue what you are doing in your mid-twenties and being worried by this. Oh, and in addition to wandering aimlessly through life, you’ve got the pressure of meeting the expectations of your elders. When Campbell sings “I’m conjuring ghosts on a forty hour ride home. / And they keep asking me what I’m doing with my life, / While my cousins go to bed with their wives. / I’m feeling like I’m falling behind” he imagines the ghosts of either dead family members or other members of “the greatest generation” asking him what he has accomplished with his life. As he “conjures ghosts” he also conjures expectations for himself. When will he get married? Compared to his cousins, he is “falling behind.” If being unmarried means “falling behind,” marriage would then be a means of “getting ahead,” an indicator of having grown up and become an adult.

Writing this album at 26, Campbell was almost ten years older than some of the couples in Brokaw’s book, yet he feels like less of an adult because he is afraid of marriage: “What they say about stability / It scares me sometimes.” By the end, Campbell realizes that he has been avoiding marriage when everyone else in his age group has embraced it. During the emotional climax of the song, Campbell screams “Jesus Christ. I’m 26. / All the people I graduated with / All have kids, all have wives, / All have people who care if they come home at night. / Jesus Christ - did I fuck up?” By not marrying by 26, has he missed his chance? Obviously this question confronts drastically different problems between this generation of people in their mid-to-late twenties and Brokaw’s greatest generation. At 26, Brokaw’s subjects had already grown up during the Great Depression, had gotten married, and were fighting in World War II. Brokaw’s subjects “answered the call to help save the world from the two most powerful and ruthless military machines ever assembled.” What call is ours to answer?

In many cases the call is death. Well, that’s not much of a call, but death rears its ugly head all over The Greatest Generation, specifically on “Dismantling Summer.” To start, Campbell’s grandfather is sick and ailing, and he remembers taking care of him: “I’m filling your prescriptions / The orange bottles stare me down. They are standing at attention. / An army on your windowsill.” Campbell compares the prescription bottles to soldiers: standing at attention refers to the military posture of standing upright with your arms at your side with little body movement. The bottles copy the soldier’s perfect, vertical posture, implying that his grandfather served as a soldier. Later in life, The Wonder Years’ touring displaces Campbell from his sick grandfather: “If I'm in an airport / And you're in a hospital bed / Well, then, what kind of man does that make me?” It is a shame-on-me moment, but it’s also a moment many young adults encounter. When my grandfather was ailing last year, I was ten hours away at school while he stayed bedridden. My first-hand experience says it sucks not being there. “Dismantling Summer” may be very personal for Campbell, but its message is pervasive.

Again, we are veering into pessimistic territory, but The Greatest Generation is more than a woe-is-me album. As the album moves along, we make progress, starting with “The Devil in MyBloodstream’s” final lines of “I want to be strong, but it’s not easy anymore.” But if “Devil” is the start of getting better, “I Just Want to Sell Out My Funeral” is the conclusion. Do you think it is a coincidence that the album opens with Campbell making apologies and excuses (“I’m awkward and nervous”) on “There, There,” and closes with “Funeral” and his saying fuck making excuses and just let it be? The closer is a “slideshow song,” borrowing lyrics from previous songs to thematically and lyrically encapsulate the generational malaise scattered throughout the album. Take a look at this first verse: “I spent my life weighed down by a stone heart, / Drowning in irony and settling for anything. / Somewhere down the line all the wiring went faulty. / I'm scared shitless of failure and I'm staring out at where I wanna be.” We get the failure to love, like on “Passing Through a Screen Door.” Settling for anything is reminiscent of “We Could Die Like This.” Did anyone take him seriously when he says “I want to die in the suburbs?” I sure didn’t, not when he’ll die of a “heart attack shoveling snow all alone.” Sounds terrible. Sounds like you can do better.

Lest we forget, “Funeral” is about making progress, and nothing indicates progress more than the album’s final verse. The coda mixes new and recycled lyrics from earlier on the album to demonstrate Campbell finally moving away from his complacency and his depression:

Two blackbirds on a highway sign

Are laughing at me here with my wings clipped. 
I'm staring up at the sky but the bombs keep fucking falling. 
There's no devil on my shoulder;

He's got a rocking chair on my front porch but I won't let him in. 
No, I won't let him in;

'Cause I'm sick of seeing ghosts and I know how it's all gonna end. 
There's no triumph waiting; there's no sunset to ride off in.
We all want to be great men and there's nothing romantic about it.
I just want to know that I did all I could with what I was given.

All of the album’s visual motifs are here, from the blackbirds to the bombs, to the devil to the ghosts. Only this time the devil and ghosts, the depression, the fear of failure and the weight of expectation, are all outsiders. “I won’t let him in” could be a call-to-arms akin to “I’m not sad anymore,” a signal of overcoming your “devil.” By closing with “We all want to be great men and there’s nothing romantic about it” the song is saying that wanting to be better, to overcome depression or disillusionment, should be an inherent desire in everyone. The desire to improve need not be considered fanciful, but a fundamental part of living. It’s anthemic, it’s exhilarating, and it was incredible hearing this verse live in a crowd full of people; people who believe that it is indeed their time to be great, that, yes, we are tired of settling for good. Will it be easy? No, but it never was, not for our grandparents’ generation, or our parents’ generation, and it won’t be for our generation either. But The Greatest Generation tells us we can do it. 

The Kid From Yesterday

In 2014, Gerard Way released his nostalgic, alt-rock, throwback solo album, and it is terrific.

Here is a backhanded compliment: the first time I heard "Millions," the fifth song on Gerard Way's debut solo album Hesitant Alien, I thought it was a rip-off.

I thought this because Way, the former lead singer and songwriter for My Chemical Romance, has infused the song's 3:28 runtime with an unmistakably Britpop tone, where the drums provide a basic, stomp-your-foot back beat, and the guitar plays a neat lick before fuzz-layered, distorted vocals finally enter. Even if you are only marginally acquainted with Britpop, you might think you've heard something like it in an Oasis or Blur song. You probably have. 

Released in September, Hesitant Alien is Way's first musical endeavor since he posted the breakup letter for his old band in March 2013. The breakup wasn't predicated by internal strife or scandal, and although Way never made it entirely clear why he ended the band, he told his fans "when it's time, we stop." It seemed for Way that ending MCR was always inevitable, but something that would happen naturally. He pointed no figures in his essay, reassuring fans, "this was no one’s fault, and it had been quietly in the works, whether we knew it or not." I think Way always knew it, even if the other members of the band never did. MCR really was Way's musical vehicle, and if the vehicle was running on fumes, Way would be the first to call it quits. 

Towards the end of his essay, Way provides an anecdote about his desire to start a band back in 2001. Sitting in his parent's basement, he picked up his old 90's Stratocaster and started playing the chords to the first MCR song he would write, "Skylines and Turnstiles." Thinking about that guitar now, Way writes: "He has a voice, and I would like to hear what it has to say."

What it has to say, it seems, is Hesitant Alien, the stripped-down, restrained, nostalgic-as-hell, yet very satisfying first release from his solo career.  

In the buildup to the release of Hesitant Alien, Way often referenced his desire to return to the music he listened to in his youth, before he formed My Chemical Romance. Most notably, he waxed poetic about his old Britpop records and his desire to make those types of songs again. Never mind the fact that his audience, his old MCRmy, probably never listened to Britpop and neither have today’s teenagers. But listen to “Millions” or “No Shows,” the album’s first two singles, and it sounds like Way’s imitation-as-inspiration technique worked: both songs make you bob your head and jump, without asking you to start a mosh pit or scream until you are blue in the mouth. Catchy, but not stadium-sized, which seems pretty important to Way this time around. He's lowered the stakes without lowering the quality of his songwriting. 

Way called “No Shows” the most important song on the album. Above all the others, this song is Way showcasing his new artistic direction. It does not have the manic pace of MCR's singles, and he incorporates horns into the song's instrumentation, showing his willingness to experiment. His confidence has not drained - after all, he had enough bravado to promote his solo album as a goddamn Britpop homage - but he’s reeled it in, from both the theatrical The Black Parade and the underrated, but still explosive Danger Days, MCR’s final studio album.

Let’s talk about that final album for a quick minute. Danger Days saw the band moving away from the need for a complete “narrative.” The Black Parade had cancer patients and skeleton costumes, and all the rigmarole was a means of connecting with MCR’s fans and making the album and band feel larger than life. Danger Days doesn't abandon the idea of narrative, but it's not all encompassing. Sure, the album was loosely built around a group of characters, the Killjoys, but two of them “die” by the middle of the album. Poof. Gone, without consequence. And the songs we get on that album were unlike anything the band had made before. “Planetary (GO!)” is the band’s addicting take on dance-rock, “Sing” was, as you can guess, a sing-along anthem, but it traded speed for a crushing mid-tempo rhythm section. “Vampire Money” is fast and punky and not that far removed from the band’s earlier material except it is not even the least bit dark. In fact, it's tongue-in-cheek and fun. Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge didn't let you come up for air for 40 minutes. On Danger Days you can breath a little, and also hear the joy Way and the rest of the band felt when recording these songs. You can hear it on Hesitant Alien, too.  

Why am I bringing up Danger Days other than to say I really, really like it? Well, if you are trying to find inspiration for Hesitant Alien in Way’s old band, you won’t get very far, except maybe you can you quitter, look with more than your eyes for God’s sake. If you've never heard “S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W” or “Summertime,” start there. Neither song sounds like typical MCR. Certainly not “S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W,” with it’s walking pace and arena rock solo. And “Summertime” just sounds… happy. This is not to say that Dangers Day was devoid of over the top moments - it goes over the top, it goes over the top quite often - but the album is also notable for the moments of restraint coming from a band that seemingly had none. Danger Days was MCR's last studio album release, but they did put out a series of double A-sides that form Conventional Weapons, a compilation album made up of material that didn't make it onto that final album. It's all very Detroit garage-rock. Between the two releases, you can hear the band moving away from the pomp and circumstance of The Black Parade. Lyrically and musically (and promotionally), the band trade darkness for light, and Hesitant Alien completes the transition.

Way’s recent releases are, in his own words, heavily influenced by older music. For The Black Parade and Danger Days it was small parts 70’s psychedelia and large parts 80’s glam rock; Hesitant Alien references not only Britpop, but dips its toe in the waters of other 90s heavyweights. “Zero Zero” is Way practically writing his way onto The Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, what with its repeated chorus and sludgy bassline. “Juarez,” too, sounds like something Billy Corgan might have written before he kicked everyone out of his solo project band and somehow became even more delusional than anyone ever thought he could be.

The lyrics are reminiscent of other 90's acts. We'll use Blur and Pulp for this example, because of how well Way conveys the same mundaneness of everyday life those bands wrote about. Lines like “It’s not your disappointed sigh / It’s not you traded this for pride / Not that we really even mind / We’re just bored you’re still alive” in “How It’s Going to Be” or “Remember when you and I would make things up? / So many nights, just take me down to the place we would hear them play / I miss that sound” in “Brother” don’t depict very complicated lives, they depict everyday problems in the lives of everyday people. The grandiose themes from the MCR oeuvre these are not. Instead, Way’s songs might be about people making mistakes, being bored, or missing the simpler times. For an American, Way sure can make his problems sound British.

Way doesn't go for "BIG MOMENTS" here like MCR did. It seemed like everything his former band did had to be some sort of emotional catharsis or climax. They created emotion via massive sounding compositions, sometimes forgoing lyrics in favor of pummeling you with guitar and drums. When the music wasn't saying anything specific, it wanted you to feel something. And if you didn't feel the music, you sure as hell could hear it. Loud, and proud, MCR swung for the fences; they pulled out the driver on the long, dog-leg Par 5 with narrow fairways, in gale force winds and pouring rain, and they damn near always pulled it off. Maybe Way thought he'd gotten lucky one too many times, or, more likely, he glimpsed the other side, a calmer side, and went for something less bombastic. 

I like to believe that Way is still capable of conjuring huge, sweeping, affecting moments in his songs, and that for Hesitant Alien he simply chose not to. This is not a criticism. Times passes, musical direction change. Ten years is a long time to be in a band. . Heck, ten years is a long time to do anything when you think about it. The beginning and end can look like a completely disparate thing, but sometimes it is nice to look back to remember how things were.

Which brings me to “The Kids from Yesterday,” my favorite MCR song, and one that should be read as an early farewell from the band to their fans. The song is all nostalgia, its message about reflecting on past times of youth while simultaneously acknowledging how you've grown up and moved on. When Way sings, “Well this could be the last of all the rides we take / So hold on tight and don’t look back,” he's referring to his own band, and how their time is coming to an end. It is pretty damn tough to hear those lyrics now and not think we should have seen the band's split coming. Way founded MCR in 2001, shortly after watching the World Trade Center collapse. The band helped him find a direction in his life that was previously lacking. Twelve years later, he didn't need the band, he'd found his direction. "The Kids from Yesterday" was Way's meta moment, his admittance that he was no longer the same kid who founded the band a decade prior. He had taken his ride. His time was up. 

The lyrics of "The Kids from Yesterday" have been on my mind a lot since graduation, especially before I moved from Boston to DC. I thought about how one chapter of my life had come to an end, not by choice but out of necessity: graduation is a celebration of completion, and completion in this case means that it is time to take the next step. The problem is, you don't know if your next step will hold your weight, or give out from under you like the fake stones of MXC's Sinkers and Floaters. But you have to take that step regardless. 

All of this makes Way’s proving of his old self wrong perhaps the best part of Hesitant Alien, and makes it one of my favorite albums of 2014. Way decided that MCR was not the last ride he would take. He has decided to have another go at making music, but not by repeating what he had done before. This time, instead of choosing the wildest ride, he’s opted one that’s more restrained yet still undeniably fun. And it's been successful, and he seems happy doing it. May he ride it over and over. May I join him soon. 

Jive Turkey Dictionary A.E. (Alcohol Edition)

A couple months ago I rolled out my Jive Turkey Dictionary and the response was… animated. While many Turks were happy to see some of their favorite sayings get the full Merriam-Webster treatment, others accused me of committing an unforgivable life error for omitting such-and-such term or *insert legendary party here*. In other words, my list was wrong. One day I will make full restitution of my mistakes, but today is not that day. 

In place of an apology, I give you this dictionary consisting of terms pertaining to Jive’s real pastime: drinking. What follows is an also-incorrect list of alcohols, parties, and games that have been part of Jive’s social culture over the last decade or so. Because I thought it would be fun to give these some historical context, I recruited the help of Shaman, concave-chested archaeologist extraordinaire; Moonshine, Teaching God; and Grefe. It took a couple months, four states, and two countries (yes, Alabama is a different country), but we did it. If you think we missed anything special (spoiler: we definitely missed things), leave us a comment. 

So grab a beer or twelve, review the first installment here if you need to, and let’s get started. 

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Admiral Nelson (n.) – Memory “strengthening” spiced rum that is better than Captain Morgan because it is cheaper, and because an Admiral outranks a Captain, but idiots think otherwise. A must-buy when the 1L bottles are on sale. Buy 2 and get more rum for less money than if you bought the handle. #Math

A chap well acquainted with the Admiral

Classic Ice (n.) – A wonderful and classy beer with a sterling 6% APV and its own Urban Dictionary entry. Better than Natty Ice, and one of the first true Jive beers, setting off a still standing tradition of favorite team beers and liquors being cheaper than the mainstream alternative, of higher alcoholic content, and questionable taste. Back in 2004, a case of Classic came in at a robust $8.50.

The Cylinder (n.) – or scientifically, a Passglas. Seriously, that is a word. A 2000ml graduated cylinder theoretically used for drinking out of, but actually used for spilling beer on yourself. Now a Jive totem courtesy of Jacko Tracko’s brief but fruitful time as the guy in the lab who buys supplies, specifically supplies that real scientists won’t use but Jive scientists will. While meant for beer, the cylinder has also seen a variety of other items, including liquor, silverware, and even a sex toy or two.

Detonator (n.) – Performed when Broey McBroerson and his fellows Bros stand in a circle and smash a beer can against their heads until it exBrodes. An easy way to reduce your own intellect and waste beer at the same time. Nips told Simon what this was on my birthday four years ago, and the world is a lesser place for it.

A lesser place...

Double-Barrel (v.) – Shotgunning a beer whilst someone pours a shot in the top of the can. Useful for expediting the getting-drunk process, and also the needing-to-boot process. Invented by Moonshine and, like all good things in life, was first performed on the line at Gettysburg’s home tournament during some hard-fought point-assessment against Slippery Rock University.

Extra Gold (n.) – Cheap beer that you can purchase at “the Bev.” Winner of the most recent Cheap Beer Tasting, meaning Jive must buy Extra Gold in perpetuity or until a new Cheap Beer has been declared winner by means of blind taste test. Has been popular with the team since the halcyon days of Vinny McCrink, so you know it’s got staying power.

Firewater (n.) – 100 proof cinnamon schnapps commonly associated with High Tide due to the epic ballad “Jive Turkeys Went Down South” created there in 2008. That song is still sung by the team on occasion, despite the fact that very few of the people singing it know Dan Jones, his rattail, The Suze, or where the Firewater is.

They know where the Firewater is.

Fifth Day (n.) – A drinking event for the dedicated man. Meant to be a relaxing day where one spends much of the day drinking a fifth by themselves. Always a great time unless you race to finish, like a moron, and thus tempt death. Consequences can include pants in the freezer, cups of coffee thrown at walls, and porcelain hugging.

Five Loko (n.) – Basic bitch Four Loko and Five Hour energy mixed drink for people who don’t care about seeing straight for an entire day.

Fuck Your Liver (n.) - A tremendously simple game requiring The Cylinder, a deck of cards, and lots of beverage. The player wagers an amount of beverage in the cylinder, then guesses red or black. Incorrect: he/she/it drinks the cylinder. Correct: the cylinder and it’s contents are passed to the next person who will also add a wager and then play the most dangerous game. Often results in strange mixes of drinks, and extreme discomfort for anyone who loses big. So named because it fucks your liver.

Hungarian Stack Races (n.) – A terrible version of Stack Races because of a torturous twist, designed by actual Hungarian Ultimate Players and brought back by Chappers when he studied abroad in Budapest (seriously. We aren’t making this up). All players must drink through a straw while clothespinning their noses until the disc is finished, which it won’t be. Usually this ends with everyone feeling very unwell (at Jivefest ‘07, someone threw up every round. Hooray beer!). Hungarian stack races are proof that at least one member of this team learned something during Dickinson study abroad, and that sometimes what we learn abroad should stay over there.

Icehouse (n.) – Not the Bentley ultimate team (fuck Bentley B!), but a relatively new Jive cheap beer, made popular by the tenants of The Lodge. First purchased en masse at High Tide 2010 with Jake’s Savannah fee, the 10+ cases of various Icehouse products were unable to be finished, but were fortunately ready for pong immediately upon completing the drive home. There are three reasons to buy Icehouse: 1). It’s $12.99, cheaper than Natty, 2). its 5.5% abv, higher than Natty’s, 3). to yell “Get in the House” at freshman who are not immediately willing to guzzle delicious Icehouse. 

Reason number 4: This band photo of Australian rock band Icehouse

Jello Discs (n.) – a team-based, alcohol eating station and the result of great compromise between wanting to do stack races or jello shots, but not both. The recipe calls for hot water, jello mix, and bottom shelf vodka, hopefully Vlad or Bankers Club. Co-created by Vincenzo, jello discs are a Jive original that has spread to other frisbee cultures, such as Vassar and PADA.


Jive Tail (n.) – Originally a spoof of Greek life cocktails, and now a biannual Jive formal hosted by the sophomores in the fall and the freshmen in the spring. Attendees are strongly encouraged to bring a date or two, be this a significant other, friend, or a bottle of bourbon. Salval "classy" attire is a must, and those showing up with a backpack trying to steal the booze will be kick out of the party and probably kicked off the team. Seniors will be aggressively drunk celebrating the two parties all year they didn't have to plan or spend money on.

I don't have a witty remark for this. It's just terrifying.

Landshark (v.) – Most definitely not a beer, but feel to contact Ducky, Jake, Bowman, Simon or Mittens about it. If you can’t find Mittens to ask him, check outside the gate at High Tide. Moving on.

Might be a Landshark. Might not.

Loko Hands (n.) – A one-off drinking contest in which the participants tape two OG Four Lokos to their hands and race to finish them first, ideally in 29 minutes or less. When all Four Lokos are finished, participants must celebrate by splitting a final Four Loko. Now seems a reasonable time to clarify that the real world equivalent to one Four Loko was 6 coffees and 6 drinks. Typically leads to lost moccasins and random bouts of responsibility.

Mad Dog (n.) – MD 20/20 fortified hobo wine. Colloquially known as Mad Dog, because “Fortified hobo wine” has a pretentious ring to it, despite appealing to hobos. Most commonly purchased in the Orange Jubilee flavor, which looks eerily similar to Orange Juice, and probably tastes similar too. “Hindsight is MD 20/20” - Posey.

Posey not demonstrating foresight, or hindsight, for that matter

Montebello (n.) – All the liquor you’ve never liked drinking without a chaser, except now you combine them and also drink them without a chaser. First discovered at Lafayette, Fall 2011™, by Jack to be shared with the team over the course of Sunday. GOALIE PICK UP THE GODDAMN MONTE!

Mystery/Party Box (n.) – An H.T.O.D. staple, generally considered the best station by all four people who care about that sort of accolade, who coincidentally all authored this post. The contents of the Party Box can vary, but always includes laughably bad alcohol balanced out with delicious non-alcoholic items such as hot peppers or Yoohoo. Or cigarettes. The key to winning is to give the Lucky No. 7-11 to someone else, or to find weird cases at Bev Express while creating the station, like a buried case of WildCat, hidden and unlabeled under other beers.

Punch Bowl (n.) – A brutal innovation by the ever-sustainable-minded members of the original Chateau. In the morning post-soiree, gather all the woundeds and pour them into a bowl to chill or partially freeze for the next party. Most famously led to Grefe’s alcohol/food poisoning and general demise Fall ‘07, but generally responsible for ruining everyone’s night every time.

He hasn't been the same since

Shen Fest (n.) – Now a smaller scale HTOD dedicated in memory to Shen, but originally conceived as a surprise Around the World party in 2008. Given a gritty reboot in 2011 as a trial run for the HTOD planner, but has since exceeded these modest expectations to attract a dedicated and maniacal fanboy following.

Trailer Park Bombs (n.) – The drunk uncle of bomb shots. Like an Irish Car bomb, except instead of nice Car Bomb materials you use Hurricane and Mad Dog, and instead of enjoying the drink you look and smell like a derelict wino.

Unprom (n.) – Costume party developed by SBC in which the attendees are assigned to shop for another person’s outfit, all while agreeing to wear what someone else buys for you. Hilarity ensues and wedding dresses abound. If you are a bad sport about the XS Gumbi costume that someone buys for you, you should probably find new friends.

Jive's first Unprom, 2010. No SBC, we don't understand either.

Wagers (n.) – Most frequently a card based party game, involving bets on the upcoming cards and corresponding silly tasks, but wagers can be made on anything. Will Jake answer the phone with “Oyyyyy,” “Oy it’s Gutta,” or the field is a quintessential starter. Tasks should be proportionally outrageous compared to the unlikelihood of the predicted card or event. Ex: 1. If this next card is the ace of spades, I’ll wolf a beer. Ex: 2. If Posey flies back from Japan for High Tide, I’ll do a fifth day.

Wednesday (n.) – The fourth day of the week, the day of Wōden, and the most popular weekday drinking night for Jive Turkeys since the invention of Jesus. To be said primarily with elongation of all vowels: “WEEEEEEEEEDNEEEEEEEEESDAAAAAAAAAAY” and most suitably followed by muttering “Goddammit” while facepalming yourself.

Wolf (v.) – Created by Shen when he disregarded sanity to bite the beer can because he had no key to shotgun with. The wolf is the closest to primordial beverage consumption that you will get.