Friday, August 29, 2014

Jive Turkey Dictionary

Summer is essentially over. For some, this is actually a revelation because they get to return to college to return to their education, engage the world, and funnel Five Loko. But wait, “what is Five Loko?” you ask with a disconcerting level of intrigue. It appears the long summer break has caused you to forget about the significant mementos of the Jive Turkeys, players of Ultimate and winners of parties. That’s why I’m here: to give you a refresher on the daily lexicon you will be thrust back into with the Turkeys. Remember the scene in Airplane! when the passengers speak Jive? This is like that. Except it isn’t.

Footnotes are courtesy of Jive Historian extraordinaire Willie Limber Shaman Shermies Sherman.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Bev Express (n.) – or simply, “the Bev.” Whether you need cases of Natty[1] for a Best-of-Seven or the newest case of Count Chocula’s Forbidden Donut Porter, buy it at the Bev, not the Brew Thru. Also home to the strangest array of cheap beer anywhere that isn’t La Crosse, Wisconsin. Go ahead, buy Old German premium lager. The world knows no finer. 
 
Yum
Best Of 7 (n.) – Head-to-head drinking activity in which two teams play Pong to win the allotted games in the “series.” [2] If not all seven games are needed, games may be discarded, but no one has ever stopped playing Pong before running out of beer. Ideal activity for isolating other people at the party and getting the competitive spirit burning a little too brightly.

bid (n.) – a layout that does not result in a catch or D.

boost it (v.) – the act of hucking the disc downfield without taking into consideration the practicality of the throw. Most often a throw will be “boosted” to Amburns, who will reel it in for the score.

Cheap Beer Tasting (n.) – drinking activity in which six cheap beers are selected and tasted at random to declare one of them “the best.” The winner of the inaugural Cheap Beer Tasting was Extra Gold. Note: Classic Ice cannot be entered into the Cheap Beer Tasting because everyone already knows it is the best cheap beer.

Citadel (n.) – recurring Jive house at 512 Reed Street that, no matter how hard its newest residents try to rename it, will always be known as the Citadel. It’s latest incarnation forfeited the discolored carpet in favor of nice, shiny wood panels, which will soon be discolored as well. Similar to The Chateau, which also seems to fall into Jive’s hands every other year[3].

Coup de Pong (n.) – a contest between a Plebian and the Patricians of Jive. Any commoner can issue a Coup, where the challenger plays all the Jive officers in Pong, one-on-one until he/she is beaten. If the challenger beats all the officers, they earn the title of Jive King[4] and become omnipotent. No one has successfully completed a Coup de Pong.   

Dad-Backhand (n.) – an unusual and mostly incorrect backhand throw used by rookies and fathers who haven’t learned to throw a real backhand. Also known as a Barbeque Backhand.

foul (n.) – an infraction in which the thrower, receiver, defender, or spiker has been impeded in their attempt to throw, catch, defend, or spike the disc. Called almost exclusively by Moller in meaningless games at Gettysburg’s home tournament.

Frisbee Golf (n.) – like real golf, but played across campus and with a disc aimed at a tree. Yes, really. But not the tree you just hit. That was the wrong tree. At times your disc will go dangerously close to a clueless passerby. See: “Leave It!”

The Funk (n.) – Fuck the Funk.[5]

High Tide (n.) – debauched Spring Break trip and “BEST WEEK OF THE YEAR” where the Jive Turkeys rent a house, play Ultimate, party wildly, and try not to get evicted. In 2010 and 2014 the team had to try extra hard to not get evicted.


Not High Tide.

HTOD (n.) – Stands for Hat Tournament of Debauchery. Stations and team-based party that takes place during Jive Fest in the various locales of the Jive Turkeys. Invented in 2007, the events differ in execution, but the goal remains the same: total annihilation. Typically, one member of the Jive Turkeys will be responsible for putting the schedule of events and teams together, only to have to revise both the former and latter, which results in an overabundance of unread emails for all involved parties.

Hypnotoad (n.) – Philly-based men’s club team that comes together every two years to underachieve during the series. Wearers of the best jerseys known to Ultimate. All hail the Hypnotoad[6]!

Jive Fest (n.) drinking festival home tournament of the Jive Turkeys, often held in October, although sometimes, and inconveniently, during Homecoming and Parents’ Weekend. NSFW in the strictest sense because of the accompanying Saturday night party. See above: HTOD[7].

Jive Fest’s Law (n.)If you are wearing a Jive Fest shirt, someone else will always be wearing the same shirt and you'll run into each other.

Jive Historian (n.) – the sole member of the team who dedicates tremendous amounts of their own time and effort to learning nugatory information related to the history of the Jive Turkeys and its participants. If lucky, this person will find one confused soul eager to listen to the endless factoids and anecdotes who will one day succeed them in the role of Jive Historian. Past historians include Goemaat, Michael, Shermies, Limber, and McCrink, Vincent

layout (n.) – a bid that results in a catch or D

“Leave It!” (command)  Your Frisbee Golf disc will land near someone and that person will, lacking an understanding of Frisbee golf, go to pick up the disc and Dad-Backhand it to you, and despite your telling them to “Leave It!” they will try to return the disc to you, fail, and shrug their shoulders as you walk towards the disc, pick it up, and throw it back near the person. This cycle will continue forever.

Mandatory Organized Fun (n.) – umbrella term for the night’s prearranged get-fucked-up activities. Not to be confused with Unstructured Fun, which is fun, but not as much fun as Mandatory Organized Fun.

Offside (n.) – an infraction only in theory where the pulling team does not maintain proper positioning during the pull. At the time of this writing, no Jive Turkey has ever been Onside during a pull.

Rainwater, Jake (n.) – Jersey-born Jive Turkey alumnus, professional Ultimate player for the Philadelphia Spinners, and former captain of Hypnotoad. Known to subsist on a steady diet of Jägermeister, Gooey Wings, and ridiculous end-zone dances. His van may have also swallowed my iPod back in the day, to which I am certainly not bitter[8].
 
You had me at "Rainwater"
Roll Call (n.) ­– possibly real, probably fictional spring tournament in Poolesville, Maryland.

Scoober (n.) – the Throw of Throws. Never gratuitous and never incomplete. Even comes in Inside-Out variety when the highest level of Scoober-mastery has been achieved.  Performed by taking the hammer grip and released from above the off-hand shoulder. Recommended usage: versus awful zone defenses, on the end-zone line, against Pitt[9].

Shaman (n.) – See above: Jive Historian (n.) [10]

Poon Palace (n.) – 379 West Louther and Jive townhouse of yesteryear that played host to many games of Pong and almost as many holes in its walls. Nothing going on? Party at the Palace.

Tong Fest (n.) – triannual, trimonthly, or triweekly outdoor dance party at 521 West Louther, also known as Club Tong. Excessive day-drinking is encouraged, although not required, prior to participation in Tong Fest. No strict requirements are known as to what constitutes a Tong Fest, and it may be an amalgamation of all outdoor drinking activities soundtracked by Mat Zo and Hardwell.[11]

Ultimate (n.) – the sport that is supposedly the reason people join the Jive Turkeys, although no sufficient scientific data exists showing Ultimate’s impact on the retention rate of Jive.  


"I say, that was some fine sporting we did today!"
Unprom (n.) – costume party developed by SBC in which the attendees are assigned to shop for another person’s outfit, all while agreeing to wear what someone else buys for you. Hilarity ensues and wedding dresses abound. If you are a bad sport about the XS Gumbi costume that someone buys for you, you should probably find new friends.

Viceroy (n.) – the Sultan of Summer and our only hope for staving off Endless Winter. If we play more Viceroy the weather will improve!

“YOOOUUU GOTTTTAAA” (command) – words of encouragement to tell you to do something that you probably shouldn’t do. The only response to the idiot who feels the need to say “I Might Just…” before doing anything. [12]





[1] 3, to be exact
[2] Look at your opponent, you will HATE that person at the end of the night.
[3] Where’s the Princess Castle?
[4] I defer to Jake on regards to Coup de Pongs: there can only be one Jive King: King Posey
[5] FUCK THE FUNK
[6] ALL HAIL THE HYPONOTOAD
[7] Also the first tournament my parents saw me play ultimate, resulting in their continuing to ask me every time I say I’m playing Frisbee: “are you wearing a moose hat?”
[8] I also once told him he was the best captain I ever had. Preventing me from ever effectively heckling him ever again
[9]To this day I still call this a scooper. No reason.
[10] The original Jive Historian, as nicknamed by wheel. Also a slow, tall, bearded idiot who somehow played on the Jive A team for a year and a half.
[11] Yo, we talking about Tongfest?
[12] YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU GOTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice Gets Moved… to March?


You might remember back at the beginning of the year when Warner Bros. announced that their big-ticket title Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice had been pushed back to 2016 to give the filmmakers "time to realizefully their vision, given the complex visual nature of the story." You might also remember that Zack Snyder, the highly visual director and Maestro of March, is directing what should setup DC’s long awaited Justice League movie. Well, yesterday Batman v. Superman was moved again, but this time Warner Bros. people are not saying it is for artistic reasons.

Instead, this is a business decision. Batman v. Superman was originally going to battle May 6, 2016 an unnamed Marvel film, and Warner Bros. seemed to be in a pretty decent position. And then Marvel chose to rattle that cages, so to speak, by announcing that Captain America, he of glorious 2014 April Box Office success, would get his third movie the same weekend as Batman v. Superman. The prospect of watching two blockbusters from competing companies going head-to-head was mouthwatering, but unrealistic. DC and Marvel were never going to release huge films (Warner/DC’s biggest release and Marvel’s hottest non-assemble-based asset) on the same weekend. Sure, one company might “win” the weekend, but not without each film’s total haul being limited by the presence of the other. But before pragmatism prevailed, we were left with an impressive game of chicken. The question became who would blink first. Warner did, but it’s OK because they moved Batman v. Superman to the ideal summer movie date of… March 25, 2016? Wait, what?

This is when I stroke my beard and go hmmm… for about five seconds longer than I normally would.  I’ve never known quite how I feel about this project, but the move to late March isn’t inspiring any more confidence. I can think of two reactions to news of the move, one optimistic and the other pessimistic. The optimists will consider this Warner Bros.’ attempt to stretch the summer movie season even closer to the beginning of the year. “March is the new June!” they’ll boldly claim. Pessimists might view this move as an indicator of reduced confidence in the project, the early release date not exactly the giving off the right vibes for your $200million+ tent-pole that is supposed to pave the way for the Justice League movie which will consume us all. While blockbusters have had success earlier and earlier in the year (Captain America: The Winter Soldier just had the biggest opening ever for the month of April), March hasn’t necessarily been the kindest month to hundred million dollar behemoths. Sure, it does not have the stink-bomb reputation of January and February Dumpuary (which is getting Jupiter’s Ascending next year!), but March has, at least recently, been the slot for family films, new and unproven big budget titles, or some strange combination of the two. Take a look at the all-time Opening Weekend leaders for March:

1
$152,535,747
37.4%
4,137
$36,871
$408,010,692
2
$116,101,023
34.7%
3,728
$31,143
$334,191,110
3
$79,110,453
33.7%
3,912
$20,223
$234,911,825
4
$70,885,301
33.7%
3,103
$22,844
$210,614,939
5
$70,217,070
32.8%
3,729
$18,830
$214,030,500
Source: Box Office Mojo

Leading the way is 2012’s The Hunger Games, no doubt buoyed by being a successful young adult novel adapted for the big screen, which is one of the safest fucking bets in the industry right now. From there, we get three animated, family films and Snyder’s 300 (not in that order). We’ll address Snyder in a second, but look at the list again, and you begin to see how geared towards families March is. Animated films are highlighted in yellow:

1
$152,535,747
37.4%
4,137
$36,871
$408,010,692
2
$116,101,023
34.7%
3,728
$31,143
$334,191,110
3
$79,110,453
33.7%
3,912
$20,223
$234,911,825
4
$70,885,301
33.7%
3,103
$22,844
$210,614,939
5
$70,217,070
32.8%
3,729
$18,830
$214,030,500
6
$68,033,544
34.8%
3,964
$17,162
$195,330,621
7
$59,321,095
29.9%
4,104
$14,454
$198,351,526
8
$55,214,334
51.4%
3,611
$15,291
$107,509,799
9
$54,607,747
36.2%
3,936
$13,874
$150,947,895
10
$46,312,454
26.3%
3,316
$13,966
$176,387,405
11
$45,038,460
42.3%
3,470
$12,979
$106,580,051
12
$45,012,998
29.1%
3,954
$11,384
$154,529,439
13
$43,732,319
20.1%
4,055
$10,785
$217,581,231
14
$43,720,472
43.2%
3,567
$12,257
$101,200,044
15
$43,639,736
23.3%
4,046
$10,786
$187,168,425
Source: Box Office Mojo

Nine of the top fifteen films for March are animated, and of the remaining six, two (The Hunger Games and Divergent) were young adult novel adaptations, Noah was a sizable film from an acclaimed director that made back its bacon, and Snyder was involved in the other three. Considering The Hunger Games and Divergent, March is certainly a month that brings in younger viewers, but not in the schools-out-for-the-summer way that June, July, and August bring in teenagers and young adults who pack mall theaters in an effort to, ya know, do something during summer vacation. Animation rules March, and when the big boys of live action line up for a seat at the table, they often do so with disappointing results. Listed below are three of the biggest budget films ever released in March, all with budgets over $150million, plus one non-blockbuster film (Note: Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burton’s $200million white-faced, hallucinogenic-fueled adaptation, is not included here because it ranks 2nd all-time in March Opening Weekends. Somehow):

24
$33,457,188
40.0%
3,545
$9,438
$83,670,083
32
$30,180,188
41.3%
3,749
$8,050
$73,078,100
38
$27,202,226
41.7%
3,525
$7,717
$65,187,603
39
$26,722,575
45.3%
2,745
$9,735
$59,020,957
Source: Box Office Mojo

Wrath of the Titans, John Carter, and Jack the Giant Slayer represent three spectacularly expensive films and three spectacularly expensive failures. Wrath, the sequel to Clash of the Titans, cost $150 million, yet only managed $83 million domestically, nowhere near its predecessor’s $163million. John Carter, at $250million, and Jack, at $195million, are even worse. Buena Vista hoped John Carter would be the start of a new franchise, but returns as paltry as $73million domestic mean that is never going to happen. As for Jack, its Opening Weekend outshines Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead (the non-blockbuster included above) by $500,000, which is even sadder when you learn that Dawn made back its entire budget ($26million) in that one weekend.  Sure, big-budget, live action films like Watchmen, 300: Rise of Empire (more Snyder associated March films!) and Noah found their audiences in March, but I’d posit that the largest tent-poles struggle mightily in the early month. In the studios’ defense, no one quite knew how these new blockbusters would do (let’s be real, who thought Jack the Giant Slayer would slay the box office?), so maybe they’d have struggled during the summer too.

I keep mentioning Snyder and March. Why? Well four of his six films have been released in March (Dawn of the Dead, 300, Watchmen, and, wait for it… Sucker Punch). On the March Opening Weekends list, these films rank 39th, 4th, 8th, and 64th respectively, so he’s done very well with two of these films, better than expected with one, and very poorly with another.  Batman v. Superman will be number five, and I expect it to join 300 and Watchmen at the top of that chart. I have my own opinions of Snyder; he brings visual flair that few in the industry have the ambition or budget to match, but he also has the subtlety of a dump truck. He’ll pulverize you at the expense of narrative consistency, and he has a knack for providing talented actors and actresses with characters that give them nothing to do (think Amy Adams as Lois Lane in Man of Steel). I can complain about him all I want, but it won’t change the fact that this film believes it can rule hit-or-miss March box office that Snyder has dealt with before.

Who knows if Batman v. Superman will have any of these typically Snyderian problems. Even if it does, that won’t matter. Box Office success can't be truly predicted, but the film should make plenty of money in two years’ time, and, barring a John Carter-esque failure, will be Step 1. in Warner Bros./DC’s plan to redirect superhero audiences away from their rivals at Marvel. Yet I can’t help but think that executives at Marvel are already pouring themselves a drink, for they have won the release date war. And if Captain America: 3 ends up making more than Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, there could be some serious finger pointing at Warner Bros. I’d pay $13 to see that.