Summer is
essentially over. For some, this is actually a revelation because they get to
return to college to return to their education, engage the world, and funnel
Five Loko. But wait, “what is Five Loko?” you ask with a disconcerting level of
intrigue. It appears the long summer break has caused you to forget about the
significant mementos of the Jive Turkeys, players of Ultimate and winners of
parties. That’s why I’m here: to give you a refresher on the daily lexicon you
will be thrust back into with the Turkeys. Remember the scene in Airplane! when the passengers speak
Jive? This is like that. Except it isn’t.
Footnotes are
courtesy of Jive Historian extraordinaire Willie Limber Shaman Shermies
Sherman.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Bev Express (n.) – or simply, “the Bev.” Whether you need
cases of Natty[1]
for a Best-of-Seven or the newest case of Count Chocula’s Forbidden Donut Porter, buy it at the Bev, not the Brew
Thru. Also home to the strangest array of cheap beer anywhere that isn’t La
Crosse, Wisconsin. Go ahead, buy Old German premium lager. The world knows no
finer.
 |
| Yum |
Best Of 7 (n.) – Head-to-head
drinking activity in which two teams play Pong to win the allotted games in the
“series.” [2]
If not all seven games are needed, games may be discarded, but no one has ever
stopped playing Pong before running out of beer. Ideal activity for isolating
other people at the party and getting the competitive spirit burning a little
too brightly.
bid (n.) – a layout that does not result in a
catch or D.
boost it (v.) – the act of hucking the disc downfield
without taking into consideration the practicality of the throw. Most often a
throw will be “boosted” to Amburns, who will reel it in for the score.
Cheap Beer Tasting (n.) – drinking activity in which six cheap
beers are selected and tasted at random to declare one of them “the best.” The
winner of the inaugural Cheap Beer Tasting was Extra Gold. Note: Classic Ice
cannot be entered into the Cheap Beer Tasting because everyone already knows it
is the best cheap beer.
Citadel (n.) – recurring Jive house at 512 Reed
Street that, no matter how hard its newest residents try to rename it, will
always be known as the Citadel. It’s latest incarnation forfeited the
discolored carpet in favor of nice, shiny wood panels, which will soon be discolored
as well. Similar to The Chateau, which also seems to fall into Jive’s hands
every other year[3].
Coup de Pong (n.) – a contest between a Plebian and the
Patricians of Jive. Any commoner can issue a Coup, where the challenger plays
all the Jive officers in Pong, one-on-one until he/she is beaten. If the
challenger beats all the officers, they earn the title of Jive King[4]
and become omnipotent. No one has successfully completed a Coup de Pong.
Dad-Backhand (n.) – an unusual and mostly incorrect backhand
throw used by rookies and fathers who haven’t learned to throw a real backhand.
Also known as a Barbeque Backhand.
foul (n.) – an infraction in which the thrower,
receiver, defender, or spiker has been impeded in their attempt to throw,
catch, defend, or spike the disc. Called almost exclusively by Moller in
meaningless games at Gettysburg’s home tournament.
Frisbee Golf (n.) – like real golf, but played across
campus and with a disc aimed at a tree. Yes, really. But not the tree you just
hit. That was the wrong tree. At times your disc will go dangerously close to a
clueless passerby. See: “Leave It!”
The Funk (n.)
– Fuck the Funk.[5]
High Tide (n.) – debauched Spring Break trip and “BEST
WEEK OF THE YEAR” where the Jive Turkeys rent a house, play Ultimate, party
wildly, and try not to get evicted. In 2010 and 2014 the team had to try extra
hard to not get evicted.
 |
| Not High Tide. |
HTOD (n.) – Stands for Hat Tournament of
Debauchery. Stations and team-based party that takes place during Jive Fest in the
various locales of the Jive Turkeys. Invented in 2007, the events differ in execution,
but the goal remains the same: total annihilation. Typically, one member of the
Jive Turkeys will be responsible for putting the schedule of events and teams
together, only to have to revise both the former and latter, which results in
an overabundance of unread emails for all involved parties.
Hypnotoad (n.) – Philly-based men’s club team that
comes together every two years to underachieve during the series. Wearers of
the best jerseys known to Ultimate. All hail the Hypnotoad[6]!
Jive Fest (n.) – drinking festival home
tournament of the Jive Turkeys, often held in October, although sometimes, and
inconveniently, during Homecoming and Parents’ Weekend. NSFW in the strictest
sense because of the accompanying Saturday night party. See above: HTOD[7].
Jive Fest’s Law (n.) – If
you are wearing a Jive Fest shirt, someone else will always be wearing the same
shirt and you'll run into each other.
Jive Historian (n.) – the sole member of the team who
dedicates tremendous amounts of their own time and effort to learning nugatory
information related to the history of the Jive Turkeys and its participants. If
lucky, this person will find one confused soul eager to listen to the endless
factoids and anecdotes who will one day succeed them in the role of Jive
Historian. Past historians include Goemaat, Michael, Shermies, Limber, and
McCrink, Vincent
layout (n.) – a bid that results in a catch or D
“Leave It!” (command) – Your Frisbee Golf disc will land near someone
and that person will, lacking an understanding of Frisbee golf, go to pick up
the disc and Dad-Backhand it to you, and despite your telling them to “Leave
It!” they will try to return the disc to you, fail, and shrug their shoulders
as you walk towards the disc, pick it up, and throw it back near the person.
This cycle will continue forever.
Mandatory Organized Fun (n.) – umbrella term for the night’s prearranged
get-fucked-up activities. Not to be confused with Unstructured Fun, which is
fun, but not as much fun as Mandatory Organized Fun.
Offside (n.) – an infraction only in theory where the
pulling team does not maintain proper positioning during the pull. At the time
of this writing, no Jive Turkey has ever been Onside during a pull.
Rainwater, Jake (n.) – Jersey-born Jive Turkey alumnus,
professional Ultimate player for the Philadelphia Spinners, and former captain
of Hypnotoad. Known to subsist on a steady diet of Jägermeister, Gooey Wings,
and ridiculous end-zone dances. His van may have also swallowed my iPod back in
the day, to which I am certainly not bitter[8].
 |
| You had me at "Rainwater" |
Roll Call (n.) – possibly real, probably fictional
spring tournament in Poolesville, Maryland.
Scoober (n.) – the Throw of Throws. Never gratuitous
and never incomplete. Even comes in Inside-Out variety when the highest level
of Scoober-mastery has been achieved.
Performed by taking the hammer grip and released from above the off-hand
shoulder. Recommended usage: versus awful zone defenses, on the end-zone line, against
Pitt[9].
Shaman (n.) – See above: Jive Historian (n.) [10]
Poon Palace (n.) – 379 West Louther and Jive townhouse of
yesteryear that played host to many games of Pong and almost as many holes in
its walls. Nothing going on? Party at the Palace.
Tong Fest (n.) – triannual, trimonthly, or triweekly
outdoor dance party at 521 West Louther, also known as Club Tong. Excessive
day-drinking is encouraged, although not required, prior to participation in
Tong Fest. No strict requirements are known as to what constitutes a Tong Fest,
and it may be an amalgamation of all outdoor drinking activities soundtracked
by Mat Zo and Hardwell.[11]
Ultimate (n.) – the sport that is supposedly the
reason people join the Jive Turkeys, although no sufficient scientific data
exists showing Ultimate’s impact on the retention rate of Jive.
 |
| "I say, that was some fine sporting we did today!" |
Unprom (n.) – costume party developed by SBC in
which the attendees are assigned to shop for another person’s outfit, all while
agreeing to wear what someone else buys for you. Hilarity ensues and wedding
dresses abound. If you are a bad sport about the XS Gumbi costume that someone
buys for you, you should probably find new friends.
Viceroy (n.) – the Sultan of Summer and our only hope
for staving off Endless Winter. If we play more Viceroy the weather will
improve!
“YOOOUUU GOTTTTAAA” (command) – words of encouragement to tell you to
do something that you probably shouldn’t do. The only response to the idiot who
feels the need to say “I Might Just…” before doing anything. [12]
[1] 3, to be exact
[2] Look at your opponent, you will HATE
that person at the end of the night.
[3] Where’s the Princess Castle?
[4] I defer to Jake on regards to Coup de
Pongs: there can only be one Jive King: King Posey
[5] FUCK THE FUNK
[6] ALL HAIL THE HYPONOTOAD
[7] Also the first tournament my parents saw
me play ultimate, resulting in their continuing to ask me every time I say I’m
playing Frisbee: “are you wearing a moose hat?”
[8] I also once told him he was the best
captain I ever had. Preventing me from ever effectively heckling him ever again
[9]To this day I still call this a scooper.
No reason.
[10] The original Jive Historian, as
nicknamed by wheel. Also a slow, tall, bearded idiot who somehow played on the
Jive A team for a year and a half.
[11] Yo, we talking about Tongfest?
[12]
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
GOTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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