Whether it be CBS, FOX, or ESPN, the Sunday "analysis" shows are tired repetitions of the same issues and cliches that they discussed the week before. Yes, we get that they shouldn't "put the ball on the ground." Wait, what, the Packers are in trouble without Aaron Rodgers? Thanks Boomer. I can't think of another occasion on TV where more self-satisfied blowhards are allowed in the same room than NFL Sunday Countdown on FOX.
All sports cultures and most sports shows are guilty of this communal, smug exaltation of "The Game," but nowhere is it worse than in the NFL. The way commentators talk about Vince Lombardi, you would think he cured cancer. C'mon, he was in charge of some people who played a game for money.
Now I love sports as much as anyone and I'll argue for their importance in our culture any day, but I'm asking the talking heads on TV to keep their feet on the ground, and show a little perspective.
My favorite sports show on TV is Inside the NBA with Kenny, Shaq, and Barkley, and they use their time to talk about pretty much anything but sports. When they do, they frame it with real stories, real, honest opinions, and above all they don't take themselves too seriously. They bring many things other shows often lack, including energy, comedy, and a self-deprecating and conversational style. The Shaqtus and The Round Mound of Rebound rib former and current players and coaches (mostly each other) and when they dole out praise they tend to provide a little perspective.These sports analysis shows should be geared at highlighting the unpredictable nature of sports and breaking down the intricacies of situations the average viewer can only watch from afar. Essentially they should be promoting the sport. Where NFL Sunday Countdown and CBS Haltime, etc. fail is that the uninspired analysis and wind-baggery turns into a promotion of the analysts' careers and "oh how great the game of football is, and how great the legends of the past and all their accomplishments are," and on and on and on.
They pay only slightly less respect to people currently in the game, lionizing anyone who has coached or played for a number of years without managing to commit any atrocious blunders or crimes. Seriously, we know the good players are good. It's fun to watch highlight videos but these athletes don't need to be championed heedlessly as idols and American heroes. A lot of these guys aren't great people, no matter how they perform on the field. Why isn't the formerly lauded Aaron Hernandez on the sideline this Sunday? Yeah, that guy who got paid millions to catch a ball and push people. While the Ray Lewis story of 2000 is often blown out of proportion, the whole affair was shady and reprehensible, and a case-in-point of near-weekly stories that surface regarding professional athletes caught up in illicit situations.
Part Deux
Speaking of criminals... anyone who has ever discussed reality TV with me knows that I don't tolerate it, except in the extreme. I don't want your average Housewife of Wherever party-planning problems, or your daily Kardashian emotion updates, I want the classic depravity of VH1 and MTV where A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila and Rock of Love took center-stage. TV where they feed the contestants aka lunatics alcohol and promises of wealth. Did you ever watch Rock of Love Bus? I did, yeah. There were literally buckets of alcohol on every flat surface, a strategy designed to keep everyone (more) ridiculous. In the pilot, the pilot, a girl did a shot out of another girl's, ahem, lady bits, at a bar. Excuse me, on the bar. In the pilot!
The "contestants" were horrible, seemingly proudly amoral people who were set upon eachother like drunken roosters in a cockfighting ring. I mean, these people were one bad night away from a cell or a cheap porn set, or possibly both, depending on the shoot. These sociopaths were dredged up from who knows where and put on primetime to entertain us. And you know what, it worked. While reality shows are (debateably) mostly scripted, their essential appeal boils down to people interacting with other people, which is the root of what we as viewers generally want to see. Sure, some of the lucky contestants were Darwin awards waiting to happen and not your average Joe, but we as Americans crave the conversation, the clashes, and the passion that we get in our sitcoms, our Food Network cookoffs, our sports analysis, and most basically, in our "reality shows." We crave the unpredictable. Sure there are news networks that report "real-life" stories, but I'm an American and I'll be informed if and when I want to. Until then, entertain me!
Now that was a bit of a ramble and I'm not saying we need Tila Tequila on NFL Sundays, but we need to spice things up. So here goes, my dream team of NFL "analysts" to perk up Sunday's drivel:
At the big desk:
- Will Ferrell, as Harry Caray: I'm gonna assume Ferrell knows nothing about football. Not relevant
- Charles Barkley: my MVP, I would watch this man ramble and rant about anything
- Tila Tequila: but we need her. Former Pants Off Dance Off host, nuff said.
- Pros
- drinking would be mandatory on set
- awesome Shawne Merriman interviews
- you know Barkley wouldn't know what to do with himself - Cons: - none
- Chad Ochocinco: NFL resume, and reality star? How can we not feature this guy
- Daniel Tosh: actually knows stuff about sports, hilarious stand-up, would make Tila cry weekly. An important cog to keep the dialogue going
- Tiffany "New York" Pollard: this woman needs airtime, plus she doesn't go out like a bitch, like Terry Bradshaw
- Allen Iverson (Analysis): sure won't talk about practice, and hopefully the game either
- Bill Cosby (Color): Knows a thing or a thing about football. Between these two you will have literally no idea what was going on
- Lindsay Lohan: the one and only, the premier trainwreck of our lifetime. Plus she would totally not show if it was raining
- Bryant "Big Mac" McKinnie: never forget: Love Boat scandal... What good guys
- Darnell Dockett: he is the fucking man
- "I'm not into the thinner girls and the modeling thing like that. I like hood chicks. I like girls with a couple stab wounds, bullet holes, been knocked up a few times. I like girls who'll be able to drive me and look over and be like 'you know my driver's license is suspended.' I like girls who you know have bad credit when they're 21."
- Lou Holtz's corpse: it gets airtime on ESPN anyway, so why not?
- Courtney Stodden: one of the most revolting people of alltime. Also, can't you just feel that sexual tension between her and Lou?
C'mon, you'd be glued to the television
